The Wonderful Bath

Time to get out of bed.

Still sleepy.

Floor is cold.

Back hurts.

Takes me 5 minutes as I wander into the bathroom to get totally upright. Man, what did I do yesterday that caused this?

Let’s see here, shower or bath. I have both in my bathroom. Why? Did the builders have some left over parts? Did the former owners have some need to bathe and shower together at the same time? Question for the philosophers I guess.

I like to take a bath. Ancient Romans took baths and they did pretty well. Only Neanderthals take showers. Why not go out side the house and spray water on the roof to fall down on you. Like standing in the rain. Standing. That’s the key word here. Bath wins.

Turn on the taps and get the temperature just right. Goldilocks principle…not too cold, not too hot. Perfect. Quick look in the mirror. Yep, showing some years. There’s six-pack abs under there somewhere. Muffin-top still there. Good, hate to lose that. Butt gone. Not a Khardasian. No Calvin Klein modeling contract in my future today. Another worry surpassed.

Tub is filling. Better get in to be sure temperature is proper. Hate to have to let out some water to get it right. Feeling guilty about wasting water. Planet is about 80% water and it’s not wandering back in to space so guilt fades quickly away based on logic. Glad that issue is resolved too. I’m on a roll today.

Put in right foot because left  is weaker and don’t want an emergency room visit later. Good temperature. In goes left foot, then immediate sitting immersion. Little cooler than I like so adjust taps for more hot water. Excellent! Little anxiety that I may have used all the hot water in case wife wants to take a bath in other bathroom. Passes quickly. All’s fair in love and cleanliness. First task of day completed without incident. I am empowered now. If nothing else good happens today, I am accomplishing this feat.

OK. Tub is filling almost to the point of reaching that overflow thingee. Must get it right to the edge of that or the bath will be cheated. Can’t have that.  I guess a shower savage would be through by now.

Tub full. All faucets in the off position. It’s quiet. I can hear and feel the whole house. Wow. The bath is the only place that a person can feel totally alone. Its’ MY bath. This 2 footish by 5 footish gathering of 10 gallons of water is MINE. No one else can have it. No one will barge in on my little solitude. Go away, naysayers and harbingers of doom.

Crap! Where’s that evil cell phone? Faded memory recalls it is on mute, next to my bed. Whew! Close one.

Now to bathing business. Still have 10 toes. Legs look good. Chest acceptable. Could do some manscaping. Shave my chest like those model guys. Nope. Too ambitious today. Anyway, would just look more like Jabba the Hutt. Could do the lower half. Absolutely not. Too much razor dexterity needed for this stage of the day. Nobody going to see it anyway. Shaving face will have to do. I don’t need a mirror to shave my face logic. Have done it almost everyday for decades. I got this. Soap up and off we go

OK. Finished now. Minimal cuts. Looks sorta like pimento loaf. Ladies like scars anyway. Now for the grand finale of lathering. The full body suds. Do feet first. Done. Bad idea. Have to stand now and feet are still soap slimy. Gonna be like standing on lard. Back still hurts but getting better. We’ll give it a go anyway.

Whew! Glad that was done without incident. I know there’s a percentage of people who fall in the bath. Hospitals keeps statistics on everything. The more humiliating the injury, the more collecting they do. I am sure there’s a government agency that keeps track of that. Glad not one of them today. Another accomplishment. Roll continues.

Hair washing time. My least favorite bath-time activity. This would be more convenient in the shower. Must concede that. Still not enough to be a shower troglodyte. OK. Best way to do this. Can’t lean forward and immerse hair. Don’t want to get face wet again, and too fat. Gotta do it by laying down in tub. Getting up again is always a trial. Back feeling better now, so let’s give it a try. OK. Laying on back in water now. Not too bad. Feels pretty good. Hey, looks like the Loch Ness Monster. One big hump and his neck. Thought his neck was always exaggerated anyway. OK. Back up again with wet hair. That was a struggle. Need to do some sit-ups later. Nope. Will be doing two today already. Don’t want to appear to be a gym rat. Lather up the hair with really cool, highly advertised, over-priced shampoo. Batman look. Mohawk look. Crazy squished-up-hair-in-the-middle look. OK. Through playing. Back down again to wash out the soap. Always that one drop that jumps out of the water and into my eye. Groping for the wash cloth. Damn. Shampoo hurts. Make the same sounds I make when I hit my shin. Same note to self every bath: Get baby shampoo.

Now. Bath over. Relax and bask in accomplishment time. If I was in shower, this would be creepy. Fully awake now. Time to play with razor in water. Titanic (razor) hits iceberg (leftover lather). Down she goes. Uh oh, lost razor. Better be careful or might do unwanted lower half manscaping. OK. Washcloth balloon time. Make air bubble under wet washcloth and squeeze of the bubbles. Makes funny farting sound. Chuckle and be thankful wasn’t real thing. OK. Hands together squishy water squirty thing done a couple of times. Out of

playthings now. Note to self again: get some cool bathtub toys. Time to get out. Feet still soap slimy so need to be careful. Towel, of course, is way out of reach. Oh well, floor needed mopping some anyway. Upright, dripping wet and toweling off.

Made it safely. First accomplishment of the day completed. I am  naked, clean and emancipated. If I can survive my bath, I can survive anything. All downhill from here.



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