Hoverboards: Invasion Plot?

Every time I seem to read the read the news I find an article about Hoverboards and the attacks they are inflicting upon the poor, deluded customers who have been duped into buying them. We’re not talking about a hula hoop or a Ninja Turtle costume or a Cabbage Patch Doll here. This thing reminds me of the robot  terminator played by Arnold Schwarzenegger wreaking havoc upon the innocents. It is a two wheeled, lithium battery charged, demolition derby vehicle of destruction upon one’s person. I personally do not have one nor do I have serious plans of buying one ant time soon. I have enough things that can cause me great bodily injury instead of buying a product that puts me assuming the role of a drunken kamikaze pilot bent on my own destruction.

And to add insult to my potential injury, it is really not a Hoverboard at all. The name is even deceptive. Marty McFly in the movie “Back to the Future” had a Hoverboard. Now THAT was the real thing! Everybody who has seen the movie remembers him levitating slightly above the ground wreaking havoc upon the antagonists, and sailing freely around his futuristic town like a kind of comic Silver Surfer. Never, ever falling off. But that was special effects. An illusion. It was farce. Such a thing does not exist with current technology and if it did I am sure it would be just as dangerous to those of us who are coordination challenged, or suffer from momentary lapses of concentration while operating it.

Then there’s the issue of charging the batteries in the device which tends to catch fire. What? Not only does it have the potential of making me a paraplegic, it can burn down my house and injure all my loved one’s as well.  I might as well just buy a bomb and a hammer, and let my kids whack on it in the kitchen until a contrite mushroom cloud let’s my neighbors know for certain I am a complete idiot.

Now the Hoverboard industry is desperately trying to recover it’s commercial momentum by saying that their products are really safe and wonderful, and it’s the cheaper Chinese made models that are the culprit for catching fire. It’s just smoke and mirrors. They tend to gloss over the falling and breaking bones part of the equation which any Hoverboard will allow you to achieve.  And the Chinese really do not care what happens to a foreign, imperialist round-eye as long as there is a profit to be had. Their product producing economy is spiraling slowly into the sewer, and they are not concerned who or what is damaged as long as we continue to buy their substandard crap. And we do just to save a couple of bucks. If you’re going to commit some sort of ritual suicide, then at least buy the Cadillac version of the model.

But maybe it’s an elaborate conspiracy by the Chinese to take over our country. Maybe they can’t do it any other way so they flood our market with substandard Hoverboards so we’ll all be crippled and living in burned out hovels. Yeah, that it! Then they just sail across the Pacific in a million metal junks and use really well-made Hoverboards to dance their way like new year’s dragons into Washington. Those devious bastards. (That will give the conspiracist’s something to ponder!) Nope…to dangerous for them. A good invasion plan would have to not depend on Hoverboards to be effective. Chinese self-inflicted casualties would be too high to ensure success.

So apparently it’s not part of a treacherous Chinese invasion plan. And if non-Chinese manufacturers are still trying to sell these things to us;

then they feel they have a consumer base therefore it must be defective purchasers that are the culprits. Purposely buying a product that can hurt you, your family and possibly burn down your house is a pathetic new addition to Darwin’s theory. I can’t wait to see what they come up with for next Christmas. I just hope it’s not nuclear.

At this point, I bet you can’t get your money back either.

Touché.

 

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