Category Archives: Sports

If Stoned Monkeys Could Fly…

If stoned monkey’s could fly then:

  1. Kanye West would be able to seriously design good fashions that doesn’t look like his scrawny, somber, pathetic models just left the camp at Auschwitz. (in reality, those raggedy fashions were infinitely better)
  2. That British idiot Piers Morgan could write an article where he doesn’t sound like a whiny little bitch any more. (who uses proper English)
  3. Kim Kardashian would stop posting constant selfies that doesn’t show one of her exposed body parts that someone on this planet hasn’t seen already. (Repeatedly)
  4. The Republican Party would put forth a Presidential candidate in 2016 who doesn’t come across as cheap and sleazy.
  5. The Democratic Party would put forth a Presidential candidate in 2016 who doesn’t come across as cheap, sleazy…and desperate.
  6. Any Third Party would put forth any decent candidate in 2016 that I could actually vote for. (Sigh…if only Ross Perot were still with us)
  7. Lawyers would have to return your money if they lose your case (like that will ever realistically happen).
  8. All the countries in the would finally band together in a coalition of humanity for a couple of weeks and finally crush ISIS in one all out assault…and let the people they have terrorized dish out their punishments. (There would be burka’s-a-flyin)
  9. The Kennedy family would have to get out of U.S. politics forever…and move to Canada (the extreme Northern parts).
  10. Professional athletes would have to be positive role models or forfeit their salaries and be banned from their leagues permanently. (That’ll stop some foolishness)
  11. Hillary and Bill Clinton would be charged and tried for all their crimes just like every other criminal in this country who breaks the law…and then be banished to Canada with the Kennedys.
  12. Science and Religion would leave each other alone and let everybody do their own research, and make their own decision without being berated with unsolicited positions as to who has the proper point of view. (Each of us has the proper point of view already without their input)
  13. And on that line of thought: Mega-Churches have to pay taxes like any other multi-conglomerate corporation and not use the constitutional division of church and state as a tax dodge (that’s not what the Founding Father’s had in mind when they used that rhetoric for the small community churches that existed at that time)
  14. And on that line of thought: Every person, every business, every corporation, every church, every entity that makes money in or through this country would be taxed at a simple 10% rate with no tax loop-holes whatsoever. (And if they are caught hiding their money in foreign banks or tax dodging or moving factories to foreign countries, they forfeit their citizenship as well as their money)
  15. Pregnant celebrities can’t post selfies of themselves in bikini’s (I mean, really…stop it!)

Yep…If only stoned monkeys could fly.

The Weird, Weird World of “Sports”

It’s time for the Superbowl again! A simple American football game. Every year around this time we get overwhelmed with news articles, and advertisements and pre-game hype about players and coaches and pre-game strategies and recipes for Superbowl parties. We have beer commercials and car commercials and cell phone commercials and pizza commercials and condom commercials plastered all over our televisions in anticipation of the big game day.

We all get caught up in peer pressured tribal rituals of appearing to care about teams that really mean nothing to us, and get to go to loud alcohol fueled house parties we would rather not attend. Or worse yet, going to a “sports” bar where patrons try to out scream every other patron while over-paying for food and drinks to get the privilege to participate. We don expensive garish clothing showing our support to this team or that, just be a part of the group and fit in.  It’s a game generated media frenzy of fluff to get us to buy stuff in the end. A commercial feeding frenzy generated for our money. And it’s simply a game. Author Ken Purdy once used a quote attributed to Earnest Hemingway “…that of all sports, only bullfighting and mountain climbing and motor racing really try a man, that all the rest are mere recreations, games that children can play.” That should be a humbling thought for all the high-dollar superstars, and the goobers that pay their salaries.

So let’s get down to the basics. What is American football? Eleven players on one team try to move an elongated ball 100 yards down a rectangular field in various ways, while eleven opposing players try to stop them. Soccer (world football) is pretty much the same concept. Hockey moves this same conception to ice, and basketball moves it to throwing a ball into a basket at the end of a court.  In the final analysis, the whole premise  is moving an object from one end of a rectangular playing surface to another…then the players get to jump around, hoot, holler and do silly dances. Pretty mundane for an activity that garners so much attention. Granted, Baseball is somewhat different but in the end it involves a ball and running and throwing while players navigate around a square in a field. Boxing is not a game or a sport, it’s just a fight.

And all these players receive exorbitant salaries to play this game, not a sport, a game. A game children can play remember? Grown men, literally in costume, running around in a field chasing a ball. If it wasn’t so pathetic it would be comical. I am sure future historians will be in stitches laughing at us. And in a couple of hours, like a flash, the game is over and then resigned to a rarely researched history, and some statistical compilation logs somewhere stored for future game enthusiasts. Ten years from now, no one will even remember who won it unless they go look it up. Once again, a humbling thought for the superstars and goobers.

But then I put it all back into perspective.

I am reminded as I walk through the streets sometimes, I’ll see graffiti art that is absolutely phenomenal. Or a breath-taking canvas that hangs on a wall. Some artist took some paints and made something beautiful purely from talent and imagination. I’ll listen to musicians who take instruments made from pieces of strings and wood, making beautiful musical sounds from nothing but scribbles on paper, and soul. I’ll read books from writers that take me on fantastic journeys, engaging with fascinating characters and wonderful plot lines. I’ll read about scientists that do unbelievable mathematical calculations that are beyond comprehension opening up the stars; or spend weeks in the field studying animals to understand their behavior so we can understand ourselves; or dig up ancient sites finding out how our ancestors brought us to the civilizations we live in today and how we can improve them. I’ll envy the engineers that built the infrastructure of our buildings, and bridges and highways, and every other mechanical device we take for granted everyday. I’ll applaud teachers in elementary and middle schools who take young minds and teach them to read, instilling enough interest in them about a subject that they will dedicate their lives to it, seeking further knowledge and advancement of society. I’ll respect and pay homage to the soldiers who fought in behalf of our country, who you need to thank everyday if you can read freely at all…especially in English. And the millions of other people who do the jobs that our society needs just to function every day. Why are none of these people paid enormous salaries for the jobs they do? They get no recognition or reward but without them the world would be awfully bland and ignorant, and not one of us would be watching a Superbowl game.

So during this Superbowl game while the game stops on the field for a commercial break to sell some useless product to us and nothing of interest is happening, try thinking of the real superstars in our society who aren’t paid huge sums of money; that struggle everyday to make ends meet so they can raise their families on a pittance for no recognition. The people who give the full measure of devotion to their disciplines and professions to make life better for us all. And not the costumed children who are simply playing a forgettable game in a field.

Another quote comes to mind: “Who’s the more foolish? The fool or the fool who follows him”.

Touché.

 

Let’s Zika On Down To Rio 2016

The 2016 Olympics are approaching fast, and for those of you vying to get tickets, think of all the really wonderful perks a trip to Brazil can garner for you. Die from the plane trip to Rio. Die from crime when you go out in Rio. Die from food poisoning if you eat in Rio. Die from alcohol poisoning if you party too much in Rio. Gather bed bugs if you sleep in Rio. Acquire all kinds of tropical diseases if you stay in Rio. And you might even see a future blossoming Olympic “transathlete” who gets sexually confused during a midlife crisis and morphs into a transgender person calling themselves Caitlyn, who can’t drive safely. What’s not love about this trip?

Well let just have us an overview:

Flying: Let’s first look at the exciting aspects of the 5,400 hundred mile flight. (You could drive through lovely drug war-torn Mexico, and the other delightfully backward, heavily armed bandit ridden 5th world countries along the way, but traveling by M1A1 Abrams Tank will take too long, so we’ll just stick to flying)  As I have said in a earlier blog, “only bird shit and idiots fall out of the sky”. After reading several articles about drunk pilots, substandard outdated aircraft and flight attendants who hate passengers, you will surely have 9 hours of bliss, with a South American plane full of revelers acting just like you; as you cruise along at 40,000 feet anticipating to land in an airport prone to wind shear and unexpected thunderstorms popping up out of nowhere, at any minute. Remember, a modern plane is just a fragile, hollow aluminum tube with jet engines attached to it, piloted by people you don’t know, who may be having a bad day or a mental breakdown. When you fly you just hope fate has decided it’s not your time to go…better yet, hope fate has decided it’s not the pilots time to go before you and you’re just screwed for being on his flight.

Crime: I am told the City of Rio de Janeiro is a beautiful place and the pictures they allow to be published of it can attest to that. But the city is also known for its sprawling favelas (shanty towns). And you can bet your life (no pun intended) that those inhabitants are not the 1% of the prosperous elite. They are sharpening their little blades and stockpiling their shiny ammunition for the harvest of fat, drunk American gringos who will be there “ripe for the pickins”; stuffed with pockets full of money, deluded into thinking they will have the same level of street protection as in America. Rio has always had a serious crime problem and it’s not going to go away just because they are hosting the Olympic games. So, you just need to stay sober, go from your hotel room to the games and back again in the daytime only as fast as possible, stay out of any questionable part of the city, don’t look anybody in the eye and hire some mercenary bodyguards to watch over you 24/7; if any are still available. What fun!

Food: You can be confident in the fact every decent restaurant in the city will be packed to the rafters, along with their prices. So, in the pangs of hunger, the foolish will be buying monkey nut sandwiches and poisonous snake kabobs from all the street vendors who will be clustered around every Olympic venue. And you can rest assured every one of them has paid all the necessary bribes for a license and has met all the questionable Brazilian health codes, which are written in crayon. Look forward to a serious bout with our old friends of all foreign tourists…vomiting and diarrhea. Buckets of fun from both ends!

Partying: And lets not forget drinking alcohol that will be no doubt distilled from kerosene, or some plant scientists don’t even have a scientific name for yet, in a fashionable commode in Shanty Town. The same restaurants that will not have food for you, will also not have drinks for you, so you’re back to the street vendors again who have your best interests at heart. I am sure “cocktail” will take on a whole new meaning for you as you slam back that tasty treat. Nothing like convulsing in the streets when the local gangsters come around to assist in your recovery.

Bed bugs: It’s a tropical country! And every 1st, 2nd and 3rd class hotel has been booked since the Olympic Committee made the announcement that Rio would host the games. So now you’re left with the impeccably clean and fashionable places with flashing red lights, that rent over-priced rooms by the half-hour with a “maid” standing in front of every door grinning toothless smiles in fishnet hose and heels. And you can feel confident the bed bugs will be big enough to stand flatfooted and shit in a dump truck; and have been there long enough to have names and be classed as pets. Buenas noches alquilado amigo!

Diseases: Once again, it’s a hot, tropical country! You can liken it to an 8 million square mile petrie dish incubating all kinds of little nasty varmints.  And it has every known tropical disease except Smallpox (only because it has supposedly been eradicated)  and Ebola (which is confined to Africa for the time being). The list reads like the starting line up for Manchester United. But now the newest superstar of viruses had emerged and making it’s dancing debut in Brazil: Zika! The Zika virus is spread to people through mosquito bites. Well, that reassuring and there are almost more mosquitos in Brazil than shoes in a Kardashian closet. The most common symptoms of the Zika disease are fever, rash, joint pain, and conjunctivitis (red eyes), which sounds like the symptoms of 900 other diseases. Except Zika has the mother of all side effects, Microcephaly! That’s right travelers, for the price of a Zika infected mosquito bite from Rio de Janeiro, you may have a child in the future born with a tiny head to show off to your friends and care for the rest of your life. And the Center for Disease Control says it could even become a pandemic. And to add cheese to the enchilada, Brazil doesn’t have a realistic plan to kill their surplus glut of tropical mosquitos. Ergo another fantastic reason to go to Rio for the Olympic Games.

I know, with all these wonderful perks and privileges, who would just want to stay safely at home, without all the extravagant expense, and watch the games in your underwear eating sterile potato chips and drinking canned beer with your entourage on a relatively mosquito free boring television set, and not get to take part in a future pandemic.

Apoderarse de los cobardes día!

Toqué.