The 2016 Olympics are approaching fast, and for those of you vying to get tickets, think of all the really wonderful perks a trip to Brazil can garner for you. Die from the plane trip to Rio. Die from crime when you go out in Rio. Die from food poisoning if you eat in Rio. Die from alcohol poisoning if you party too much in Rio. Gather bed bugs if you sleep in Rio. Acquire all kinds of tropical diseases if you stay in Rio. And you might even see a future blossoming Olympic “transathlete” who gets sexually confused during a midlife crisis and morphs into a transgender person calling themselves Caitlyn, who can’t drive safely. What’s not love about this trip?
Well let just have us an overview:
Flying: Let’s first look at the exciting aspects of the 5,400 hundred mile flight. (You could drive through lovely drug war-torn Mexico, and the other delightfully backward, heavily armed bandit ridden 5th world countries along the way, but traveling by M1A1 Abrams Tank will take too long, so we’ll just stick to flying) As I have said in a earlier blog, “only bird shit and idiots fall out of the sky”. After reading several articles about drunk pilots, substandard outdated aircraft and flight attendants who hate passengers, you will surely have 9 hours of bliss, with a South American plane full of revelers acting just like you; as you cruise along at 40,000 feet anticipating to land in an airport prone to wind shear and unexpected thunderstorms popping up out of nowhere, at any minute. Remember, a modern plane is just a fragile, hollow aluminum tube with jet engines attached to it, piloted by people you don’t know, who may be having a bad day or a mental breakdown. When you fly you just hope fate has decided it’s not your time to go…better yet, hope fate has decided it’s not the pilots time to go before you and you’re just screwed for being on his flight.
Crime: I am told the City of Rio de Janeiro is a beautiful place and the pictures they allow to be published of it can attest to that. But the city is also known for its sprawling favelas (shanty towns). And you can bet your life (no pun intended) that those inhabitants are not the 1% of the prosperous elite. They are sharpening their little blades and stockpiling their shiny ammunition for the harvest of fat, drunk American gringos who will be there “ripe for the pickins”; stuffed with pockets full of money, deluded into thinking they will have the same level of street protection as in America. Rio has always had a serious crime problem and it’s not going to go away just because they are hosting the Olympic games. So, you just need to stay sober, go from your hotel room to the games and back again in the daytime only as fast as possible, stay out of any questionable part of the city, don’t look anybody in the eye and hire some mercenary bodyguards to watch over you 24/7; if any are still available. What fun!
Food: You can be confident in the fact every decent restaurant in the city will be packed to the rafters, along with their prices. So, in the pangs of hunger, the foolish will be buying monkey nut sandwiches and poisonous snake kabobs from all the street vendors who will be clustered around every Olympic venue. And you can rest assured every one of them has paid all the necessary bribes for a license and has met all the questionable Brazilian health codes, which are written in crayon. Look forward to a serious bout with our old friends of all foreign tourists…vomiting and diarrhea. Buckets of fun from both ends!
Partying: And lets not forget drinking alcohol that will be no doubt distilled from kerosene, or some plant scientists don’t even have a scientific name for yet, in a fashionable commode in Shanty Town. The same restaurants that will not have food for you, will also not have drinks for you, so you’re back to the street vendors again who have your best interests at heart. I am sure “cocktail” will take on a whole new meaning for you as you slam back that tasty treat. Nothing like convulsing in the streets when the local gangsters come around to assist in your recovery.
Bed bugs: It’s a tropical country! And every 1st, 2nd and 3rd class hotel has been booked since the Olympic Committee made the announcement that Rio would host the games. So now you’re left with the impeccably clean and fashionable places with flashing red lights, that rent over-priced rooms by the half-hour with a “maid” standing in front of every door grinning toothless smiles in fishnet hose and heels. And you can feel confident the bed bugs will be big enough to stand flatfooted and shit in a dump truck; and have been there long enough to have names and be classed as pets. Buenas noches alquilado amigo!
Diseases: Once again, it’s a hot, tropical country! You can liken it to an 8 million square mile petrie dish incubating all kinds of little nasty varmints. And it has every known tropical disease except Smallpox (only because it has supposedly been eradicated) and Ebola (which is confined to Africa for the time being). The list reads like the starting line up for Manchester United. But now the newest superstar of viruses had emerged and making it’s dancing debut in Brazil: Zika! The Zika virus is spread to people through mosquito bites. Well, that reassuring and there are almost more mosquitos in Brazil than shoes in a Kardashian closet. The most common symptoms of the Zika disease are fever, rash, joint pain, and conjunctivitis (red eyes), which sounds like the symptoms of 900 other diseases. Except Zika has the mother of all side effects, Microcephaly! That’s right travelers, for the price of a Zika infected mosquito bite from Rio de Janeiro, you may have a child in the future born with a tiny head to show off to your friends and care for the rest of your life. And the Center for Disease Control says it could even become a pandemic. And to add cheese to the enchilada, Brazil doesn’t have a realistic plan to kill their surplus glut of tropical mosquitos. Ergo another fantastic reason to go to Rio for the Olympic Games.
I know, with all these wonderful perks and privileges, who would just want to stay safely at home, without all the extravagant expense, and watch the games in your underwear eating sterile potato chips and drinking canned beer with your entourage on a relatively mosquito free boring television set, and not get to take part in a future pandemic.
Apoderarse de los cobardes día!