Category Archives: Just For Laughs

If Stoned Monkeys Could Fly…

If stoned monkey’s could fly then:

  1. Kanye West would be able to seriously design good fashions that doesn’t look like his scrawny, somber, pathetic models just left the camp at Auschwitz. (in reality, those raggedy fashions were infinitely better)
  2. That British idiot Piers Morgan could write an article where he doesn’t sound like a whiny little bitch any more. (who uses proper English)
  3. Kim Kardashian would stop posting constant selfies that doesn’t show one of her exposed body parts that someone on this planet hasn’t seen already. (Repeatedly)
  4. The Republican Party would put forth a Presidential candidate in 2016 who doesn’t come across as cheap and sleazy.
  5. The Democratic Party would put forth a Presidential candidate in 2016 who doesn’t come across as cheap, sleazy…and desperate.
  6. Any Third Party would put forth any decent candidate in 2016 that I could actually vote for. (Sigh…if only Ross Perot were still with us)
  7. Lawyers would have to return your money if they lose your case (like that will ever realistically happen).
  8. All the countries in the would finally band together in a coalition of humanity for a couple of weeks and finally crush ISIS in one all out assault…and let the people they have terrorized dish out their punishments. (There would be burka’s-a-flyin)
  9. The Kennedy family would have to get out of U.S. politics forever…and move to Canada (the extreme Northern parts).
  10. Professional athletes would have to be positive role models or forfeit their salaries and be banned from their leagues permanently. (That’ll stop some foolishness)
  11. Hillary and Bill Clinton would be charged and tried for all their crimes just like every other criminal in this country who breaks the law…and then be banished to Canada with the Kennedys.
  12. Science and Religion would leave each other alone and let everybody do their own research, and make their own decision without being berated with unsolicited positions as to who has the proper point of view. (Each of us has the proper point of view already without their input)
  13. And on that line of thought: Mega-Churches have to pay taxes like any other multi-conglomerate corporation and not use the constitutional division of church and state as a tax dodge (that’s not what the Founding Father’s had in mind when they used that rhetoric for the small community churches that existed at that time)
  14. And on that line of thought: Every person, every business, every corporation, every church, every entity that makes money in or through this country would be taxed at a simple 10% rate with no tax loop-holes whatsoever. (And if they are caught hiding their money in foreign banks or tax dodging or moving factories to foreign countries, they forfeit their citizenship as well as their money)
  15. Pregnant celebrities can’t post selfies of themselves in bikini’s (I mean, really…stop it!)

Yep…If only stoned monkeys could fly.

Why Gardening Sucks (Part One)

Well, the Spring is finally here in the deep South and the Sun is shining brightly and the trees are beginning to bud and the whole world is shrugging off the dreariness of Winter. That’s when the dreaded gardening bug hits and all you want to do is get outside and root around in the dirt like a drunken, blind hog looking for grubs. It’s a primal thing to want to plant vegetables when the Spring comes although it could possibly be infinitely cheaper to buy the stuff at the grocery store. But I have no time to think of that now. I have goaded myself into the delusion that I have a proverbial green thumb so out I go to do battle with nature, and grow some plants to show off to the neighbors and take pictures for my Facebook page spouting my new mantra “I am gonna be ultra-cool this year and be greenly hippytoristic and/or naturally organismic!

I an one of the dirt people now!  An agriculturist!

An “agriculteur si vous plaît !” (to be posh)

Putting on my most fashionable garden outfit (consisting of my oversized “fat” shorts that are two sizes too big and covered with paint spots; a holey, turkey-turd brown XXL tee-shirt from my military days covered with paint spots; my favorite old gray, sweat-stained J3:16 baseball cap covered with paint spots;  my battered Nike sneakers from ancient jogging days covered in paint spots, that I just knew would come in handy again one day) I can now jauntily venture out into public like a multicolored leopard, to grow my own food like the peasantry of yore.

But what ho!. For some reason all my fossilized gardening tools, the one’s I can find anyway, have degenerated into what looks like rusty metal and petrified wood sculptures conceived by some stoned art students in community college. And the carefully stored cadre of vegetable seeds I had collected for the highly anticipated Zombie Apocalypse  seem to have disappeared into the waste land of my garage that looks remarkably like a Mad Max movie set. This will not do! I must venture forth for more.

So it’s off to the big box stores to purchase more “stuff” so I can make more work for myself to do on the weekends.

Apparently everybody else in town has been bitten by the same gardening bug as well, and have decided to occupy the garden centers I frequent just at the same instant I planned to invade. The parking lots are full of white, soccer-mom SUV’s full of baby seats and oversized, penis-envy pick-up trucks with sports decals all over it. And the place is over-run with a crowd of gardening miscreants pushing and shoving like it’s Black Friday, creating check-out lines reminiscent of  a  spring break Disney World ride. And the sun hasn’t been up for more than an hour!?!

All the good seeds are now picked over and gone, and I get stuck with the stuff like chard and cabbage and collard greens. You know, the plant fodder that nobody really likes and smells like crap if you cook it. The little plants that have already been started at some nursery in Bolivia have been picked over as well and all that’s left are the wilty twiggy guys that some brat has stepped on repeatedly. There is no humanity in a garden center in the Spring.

When I get to the new  gardening tool section to re-gizmo myself with the most modern utensils of the 21st Century, I find basically the same implements that were used during the Renaissance. Maybe the metal is a little better but I doubt it. Where’s the newest computerized LED display toy tools that tell you the Ph balance of the soil or if you’re a millimeter too deep in your plant to dirt ratio? Where’s the garden drones? The driverless rakes? Apparently gardening tools haven’t evolved much since Shakespeare wrote Macbeth. Something must be wrong here.

As I stand there in my paint spotted finery vainly searching for just one vegetable plant I could lavish all my attention on this season, or a gardening tool that couldn’t be found in a prehistoric peat bog, I realize I am just not into farming as much as I thought. I do some quick mental calculations in my head and figure I can buy a can of sweet peas for $0.69 at Wal-Mart…or spend $26.75 for the same amount of sweet peas 90 days from now considering the birds, rabbits, squirrels, rats, mice, ants, caterpillars, etc…don’t get them first and allow me a measly cupful. Ole Mother Nature can be a bitch like that.

I guess I’ll just have to settle for a quick  salad at the Olive Garden.

Touché.

MORE: D2S2 (Don’t Do Stupid Sh*t)

Based on popular demand, I have created another round of D2S2! You know as I read news articles looking for satirical subject’s to write about, I continually run across new candidates for a Darwin Award. As a specie, we are still evolving into dangerous clowns. People today seem to have some innate need to show just how ridiculous they can behave, usually in front of a video or still-shot camera of some sort . In my quest for knowledge, I am continually reminded we are just a relatively short couple of millennia from living in caves and evolution has not caught up. Therefore, to appear brilliant and win the Fields Medal, I continue to hype my mathematical formula to help the poor cretins who are bent on, or have achieved, personal destruction and ridicule: P(A)~D2S2

P=probability of event A;

A=injury, destruction or arrest

~ negation

D2D2=Don’t Do Stupid Shit

(To the bastards on the Fields Medal Committee who still have not contacted me-this actually supposed to be D squared S squared but I still can’t make the tiny 2’s on my keyboard)

Allow me to give some of the newest illustrations that I have found in my latest perusals: (Note: these are actual headlines from the Daily News)

(1) Never cross a female orangutan: Angry ape murdered older female after she disturbed her having sex

It has never crossed my mind to get between any mating orangutan’s getting their freak on, in any way, shape or form. Not on my bucket list. Actually, the opportunity has never presented itself, and if it did, you can be sure that’s I would give it the recommended biological distance it requires. I am pretty sure I’d give elephants, rhinocerous and most all of the animal kindom their privacy as well when they get “busy” to avoid an embarassing story for the office water cooler, or a hilarious obituary. No matter what the species, when they’re in the throes of passion, just walk on by and go ot the turtle exibit where at least things will happen at a pace where you can take a nap before you swiftly crawl away from without injury. Banana flailing D2S2!

(2) Shocking moment the body of an elderly man ‘who died while having sex with a prostitute is wheeled away with the unfortunate woman still ATTACHED to him’

If you gotta go, THIS is the way to go! All he needed is a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other, and he would have met the male trifecta of preferred death. You can be sure the prostitute will have a whopper (pun intended) of a tail (spelling intended) to tell her grandkids one day. “Granny got her 15 minutes of fame, let me tail you the bedtime story.” Hopefully, they got her loose, or he will be taking it with him. I am sure it’ll take the morticians a week to get the final smile off his face anyway. Vaginal clamp-down D2S2!

(3) Playboy debuts first nude-free issue: Instagram-famous model Sarah McDaniel poses for a sext on the cover of the redesigned magazine

Why? Let’s be brutally honest here and declare openly that men only buy Playboy magazine for the nudie pictures, not for it’s history of non-Pulitzer Prize winning articles, or really cool advertizements. I might as well buy a Better Homes and Gardens Magazine now and drool over the latest pot to plant my cucumber in. And you might as well change the name from Playboy to Tediousboy. New Chief Editor resigning soon D2S2!

(4) Italian wife faces six years in jail for ‘mistreatment of her family’ because she doesn’t do enough housework

My wife would get the electric chair then. Lawrence of Arabia would get lost in all the dust in our living room. The dishwasher is a spider condo with a lace doily covering. I hope she doesn’t read this or I’ll be moving to Italy looking for a new wife and doghouse to live in. Anyway, you have to love the Italians when it comes to bringing drama to a mariage. She probably didn’t do it like momma did. Moglie pigro D2S2!

(5) The FIRST 50 Shades: Rare 17th-century sex manual which was dubbed the ‘dirtiest book of its time’ for advising on ‘actions of the genitals’ goes up for auction for $20,000

Hey big spender, for a measly $200 I write you something that’ll curl your toes and make your truckdriver buddies blush about actions of the genitals. Why would somebody want to spend $20,000 on an ancient porn book when the internet has all you want for free. It’s all I can do to keep porn sites from popping up all the time now. “Oh, it’s for my book collection” excuse again huh? If you have that kind of money to burn, then take a vacation in this century to Tiajuana and do it right. Archeological academia BS D2S2!

(6) Snowmobiler, 23, is killed after being completely buried in Colorado avalanche

If you don’t want to get buried under tons of snow, don’t take a noisy, snowpack busting snowmobile up a mountain. Who insures these guys? Popsicle D2S2!

(7) ‘Mystic monk’ Padre Pio to return to the Vatican nearly 50 years after his death after the Pope calls for one of the most famous Catholic saints to be displayed at St Peter’s Basilica

Looks like the priests at the Vatican are going to have their own Weekend at Bernies. And we thought they weren’t wierd enough as it is. Why not just leave the old boy alone where he was? He surely wasn’t bothering anybody. Why drag him to the Vatican where there’s already enough dead Saints, to make another completely useless New Orleans football squad. More the merrier I guess. You can never have too many Mystic Monk icons lying around for the pious to gaze upon. Rasputin rising D2S2!

(8) Brazil’s famous street carnivals which begin next week could be an ‘explosive cocktail spreads the Zika virus around the globe’ warns disease expert

Then cancel it Brazil! Better yet, let’s not start a possible world pandemic for the sake of traveling to Rio, spending a fortune, nursing hangovers and contracting lovely South American diseases by going to it in the first place. If you MUST go to carnival, then have the courtesy of going into quarrentine until you’re declared Zika free, you party putz. Drunken courtesy D2S2!

(9) Could taking antibiotics increase your risk of STDs? Drugs ‘block the immune system’s ability to fight the herpes virus’

There’s a surefire method of not getting a Sexually Transmitted Disease…don’t do the nasty with someone who’s nasty. If you have to, then at least put the pecker in plastic. If I have a serious infection, I will definitely be taking antibiotics and staying alive as opposed to running the chance of being immunized against dying free of herpes. I’ll just take my chances on that one Skippy. Medical common sense D2S2!

(10) ‘If aliens visit Earth, they’ll take charge’: Seti scientist claims ET will have the upper hand thanks to its superior technologies

Well, this doesn’t take a PhD. in astrophysics to figure out. If an alien civilization flys light years across the universe to come here, they will not be coming for a picnic and to find girlfriends. Then again, they may be coming with How to Serve Man cookbooks and interplanetary BBQ pits, and gifts for the girls. How about we fret over this scenario when it happens. We can’t even find microbial life in our solar system yet. Until then I think we’re cool about it SETI. Need more funding article D2S2!

(11) Tesla owner walks his date back to his $80,000 electric car to find someone has defecated on the hood – now he is using DNA to hunt for the vandal

You have to admire this douchebag’s dedication to finding out who crapped on his overpriced piece of crap. To get the DNA, he had to scoop up and save the sample. Then he’ll have pay a shitload (pun intended) of money to have it analyzed. And against what poop collecting database? How pissed off can you get about something? Maybe that was the intent all along Tesla owner. To hide in the shadows and see you up on your hood gathering the sample. In retrospect, that would be hialrious you pompous idiot. Stinky fingers D2S2!

(12) Three more cases of Zika confirmed in Florida as governor warns people to prepare for a viral ‘hurricane’ – but insists the state is still safe for tourists

Another example of an elected official trying to piss down our backs and telling us it’s raining. Florida Govenor Rick Scott has never come across as being a clever guy but now he wants us to crawl into the moron truck with him. If the Zika Virus makes any kind of appearance in Florida, Disney World will look like Cheronobyl; and listening to a lying politician, saying it will be alright to visit, is as stupid as the voters who put him in office. Time to impeach D2S2!

(13) New Zealand politician is hit in the face with a large sex toy hurled by protester during press conference

Nothing like a plastic penis flying through the air at his face to get a politicians attention. You think there was some kind of sublinimal message here, or was it just the only thing handy for throwing? People in New Zealand have a bizarre sense of humor but you have to admire their candor. Comparitively, it would take a truck to haul all the dildos to throw at our American politicians to get the same point across. Happy Hillary D2S2!

(14) ‘Goat rapist’ on the prowl in Florida according to woman who says three of her animals have been attacked for months

How would you like to explain this charge to the other inmates in whatever prison you would end up in. Somebody is going to be a daily penile pin cusion. And how does this woman know her goats have been raped? What kind of inspection do you perform for this? Do they have some kind of expression they exibit? Maybe they told her. Delirious D2S2!

(15) Italian actor who accidentally hanged himself on stage after last-minute plot change is declared brain dead

What play were they doing? I’m glad it wasn’t Hamlet or the whole cast would have been wiped out. It’s no great secret that actors aren’t the brightest light bulbs in the drawer but to hang yourself on stage is taking your craft a little too far, and method acting moves to a whole new level. I think someone was braindead before he took to the stage. To be or not to be D2S2!

(16) Ashley Madison’s new solution to security worries: Covering profile photos with masks

You think wearing a virtual mask is going to disguise you? If you don’t want to get caught diddlying around on your spouse, don’t go to a website for adulteres. Especially one that has been hacked recently, and the names of all the clients plastered all over the internet. What’s totally assinine is Ashley Madison is still in business and future domestic violence victims continue to subscribe to it. Zorro divorce in a bodycast iminent D2S2!

(17) I’m McStuck! Drive-thru diner gets his head trapped between a wall and his car when he dropped his money and the vehicle lurched forward

No! You’re McStupid. You’re looking at McDumbass in the rearview mirror. At least I hope you enjoyed your McWhatever as you gobble down the McAspirins to alleviate your McConcussion. And this guy has a valid drivers license, which I’m sure he got at McDonalds from Ronald. Supersize D2S2!

(18) Utah zoo orangutan picks Panthers as Super Bowl winner after taking reign from his father… who picked seven champions in a row before passing away

If I am going to bet money on a game, I definitely am not going to let a monkey handicap it for me. We have Vegas for that. Let’s see, the Panthers are the most powerful team this year in football losing only one game all year, and the Bronco’s got in by the skin of their teeth on a hope and a prayer. I am sure an ape could pick the Panthers for the win. He’s got a 50% chance of being right already. Statistical anomaly D2S2!

You know, you just can’t make this D2S2 up!

Touché D2S2.

A Crypto Riddle For A Genius

You ever notice when a person starts going to college, they get all full of themselves and think they are smarter than everybody else? They’re always spouting off some intellectual masturbation they just learned in a class that day to make you feel stupid knowing you haven’t been exposed recently to the Russian plight of  blind peasants in the 16th century, or Friedrich Nietzsche’s ancient philosophy on incest with siblings. Well, everybody seems to think they are super smart, therefore, just to see if there are any intellectual giants out there, I have developed an encrypted riddle that I feel only a true genius (or genuii) can decipher. Just email me the one word answer to the riddle at www.thesatiriststew.com and you will not win squat…but will have the smug satisfaction that you broke the code and answered the riddle. Oh, by the way, the answer to the riddle is not in the cypher. You have to figure that one out on your own.

However, if you wish, I will make a post to all the social networks where I post blogs that you were the first person to solve the riddle where you will get some recognition and may get a reply from some lonely person who is looking for a genius just like you to meet and then can hook up and start seriously dating possibly making it all the way to matrimony where you’ll then have some spouse nagging you all the time with some kids where you will no longer have any time to decipher crypto riddles on the internet because you’ll be too busy having to work constantly to take care of and provide for your family and buy your kids useless Hoverboards and crap like that until you’re 65 and then live off a small pension and social security checks having to eat some kind of canned meat and moldy bread while drinking tap water. Then you can die. Cool huh?  Follow the white rabbit.Take the challenge family person to be!

5W48R5YT8O7969EYD8Y23DQO0348RQEHQ3OEHQDQ0JQO3H3W943IQYD5QJQY582J994Q95H8IOQ2796R8

(And don’t try to use some fancy computer with suped-up algorithms to decipher it. I thought of that cheater…HaHA!)

Touché.

D2S2: Don’t Do Stupid Sh*t

As I read news articles looking for satirical subject’s to write about, I continually run across new candidates for a Darwin Award. As a specie, we are evolving into dangerous clowns. People today seem to have some innate need to show just how ridiculous they can behave, usually in front of a video or still-shot camera of some sort . In my continued quest for knowledge, I am continually reminded we are just a relatively short couple of millennia from living in caves and evolution has not caught up. Therefore,  to appear brilliant and win the Fields Medal, I have devised a mathematical formula to help the poor cretins who are bent on, or have achieved, personal destruction and ridicule:         P(A)~D2S2

 P=probability of event A;

A=injury, destruction or arrest

~ negation

D2D2=Don’t Do Stupid Shit

 (Fields Medal Committee-this actually supposed to be D squared S squared but I can’t make the tiny 2 on my keyboard)

Allow me to give some illustrations that I have found in my perusal: (Note: these are actual headlines from today’s Daily News)

(1) Bizarre trend of SNOW DIVING in just a swimsuit sweeps nation after storm Jonas leaves parts of the East Coast with forty inches of white fluff

Some New Yorkers are just not satisfied without pneumonia. And I really don’t believe this is a nation sweeping trend that started when Jonas hit. Those of us who live in warmer areas not affected by Jonas (the other 42 states) without swimming pools full of snow apparently can’t participate and be trendy. D2S2!

(2)  Worst walk of shame EVER? Woman spotted sneaking home in West Virginia snowstorm with no pants or shoes on

How bad was the sex, that you have to run out without your pants and shoes? Another candidate for a bronchial illness. Maybe there is another explanation but I cannot even get close to figuring it out. D2S2 again!

(3) Russian gangster is arrested after ‘drunkenly’ speeding through New York’s deserted streets during travel ban

If I were a Russian gangster in New York, I definitely would not be drunk driving on snow-bound streets when the police have specifically told anyone not to drive. Why not just put an illuminated pizza delivery driver type sign on the roof that says “drunk driver inside” or “Gulag ready”. D2S2 comrade!

(4) New York couple get married the next morning in picturesque snow after Storm Jonas forced venue to close just hours before they were due to tie the knot

Getting married…enough said. Happy D2S2 couple!

(5) Seven people injured on American Airlines flight after it hits severe turbulence on way from Miami to Milan causing it to divert to Canada

Flying. I am more convinced every day that only bird shit and idiots fall out of the sky, especially if I end up in Canada. Coffee, tea or D2S2 espèce d’idiot !

(6) ‘It was motivated by love’: Professor’s begging letter to judge who jailed her for sexual relationship with a diaper clad man with cerebral palsy who could not speak

If you’re a college professor and want to get your freak on, don’t do it with a diaper wearing, disabled mute person. You’re not going to justify it and you’re just begging to get trashed. Somebody needs a vibrator. Wasted dissertation D2S2!

(7) New York Giants star Jason Pierre-Paul tries to elevate his mangled hand to stop massive bleeding in hospital photo after July fireworks accident

Fireworks are explosives and, if memory serves, says specifically in the instructions “DO NOT HOLD IN HAND”. Well, that’s a career killer for a professional athlete that uses a ball. Maybe somebody should start wearing their helmet more when they play. Hut! Hut! D2S2! D2S2! Hike!

(8) Reveler, 25, shot dead “as he tried to break up fight” during birthday party in the lobby of a Hyatt Hotel in Chicago

Hyatt clientele has sure degenerated since Paris, Nicky and Conrad were born. Still, if you’re a birthday reveler then drinking is probably involved ergo never get between two pissed off people with guns from the other well known city of brotherly love, Chicago. Deep dish D2S2!

(9) Karma kicks back: Bully gets knocked out cold after picking on smaller boy over his bright orange backpack

Sometimes you just have to adore karma when it involved a glass jawed bully who get’s his butt handed to him by a smaller guy. I bet somebody is going to respect somebody else’s orange backpack from now on. Or pink backpack.  Or Barbie backpack. D2S2 justice!

(10) 14 Citadel military college cadets disciplined after posing in KKK-style hoods

You know, one of them had to think of it. Then had to talk the other thirteen into doing it. And somebody had to mention photographing it. Then somebody had to post it.  Answers a lot of questions about our military leader of tomorrow. I know fourteen who are headed for a Flag rank. Expelled D2S2!

(11) Police find two-year-old boy stuck in the toilet crying after his parents ‘left him alone for hours to shop in Wal-Mart’

Is there really something that vital at an Ohio Wal-Mart, that you have to leave your two year old alone, and for hours? How much Chinese crap can you shop for? And how does a two year old get into the toilet? Somebody needs a crib, and therapy. Take your thorazine D2S2!

(12) Prize bull semen worth over $50,000 is stolen after tanks containing the samples are snatched from the back of a truck in California

There were tanks of it? How much does it take in California? How would you like to go to prison, and explain to the other inmates you’re in for for stealing bull semen? Somebody is going to have a lot of bad days. Pray for solitary confinement D2S2!

(13) Keep your eyes on the road! Rickshaw driver mows down and kills pedestrian while ogling ‘a pretty woman in a miniskirt’

China is ground zero for stupid shit. America does not seems to have a monopoly by no means. And Russia is emerging as a player. Says a lot about superpowers. My question is, what kind of a rickshaw was this? Armored? And how fast can a human powered vehicle go? And the operator was drunk as well. The woman he was ogling must have had” some kind” of mini skirt on to make a drunken Chinese  armored flying rickshaw driver loose control. Zuì Hàn D2S2!

(14) Shocking moment driver plows into a busy pedestrian street in a desperate bid to dodge fine after being caught parking illegally

China again. Their parking fines must be brutal to wipe out an entire intersection full of pedestrians. That’s a lot of rice. Laogai D2S2!

(15) I don’t care of you’re a Klingon, you’re not taking that through! Passenger stopped from boarding plane with SWORD used by Worf in Star Trek

I can’t even get through the TSA Nazis with a bottle of mouthwash, and this mental giant thought he could sneak past a Klingon Bat’Leth. Why just bring a sword when you can bring one on steroids. It  had to have been a Trekkie geek on his way to Comicon. Next time stick to sneaking the Clearasil through. Quapla’ D2S2!

You know, you just can’t make this D2S2 up!

Touché D2S2.

Hoverboards: Invasion Plot?

Every time I seem to read the read the news I find an article about Hoverboards and the attacks they are inflicting upon the poor, deluded customers who have been duped into buying them. We’re not talking about a hula hoop or a Ninja Turtle costume or a Cabbage Patch Doll here. This thing reminds me of the robot  terminator played by Arnold Schwarzenegger wreaking havoc upon the innocents. It is a two wheeled, lithium battery charged, demolition derby vehicle of destruction upon one’s person. I personally do not have one nor do I have serious plans of buying one ant time soon. I have enough things that can cause me great bodily injury instead of buying a product that puts me assuming the role of a drunken kamikaze pilot bent on my own destruction.

And to add insult to my potential injury, it is really not a Hoverboard at all. The name is even deceptive. Marty McFly in the movie “Back to the Future” had a Hoverboard. Now THAT was the real thing! Everybody who has seen the movie remembers him levitating slightly above the ground wreaking havoc upon the antagonists, and sailing freely around his futuristic town like a kind of comic Silver Surfer. Never, ever falling off. But that was special effects. An illusion. It was farce. Such a thing does not exist with current technology and if it did I am sure it would be just as dangerous to those of us who are coordination challenged, or suffer from momentary lapses of concentration while operating it.

Then there’s the issue of charging the batteries in the device which tends to catch fire. What? Not only does it have the potential of making me a paraplegic, it can burn down my house and injure all my loved one’s as well.  I might as well just buy a bomb and a hammer, and let my kids whack on it in the kitchen until a contrite mushroom cloud let’s my neighbors know for certain I am a complete idiot.

Now the Hoverboard industry is desperately trying to recover it’s commercial momentum by saying that their products are really safe and wonderful, and it’s the cheaper Chinese made models that are the culprit for catching fire. It’s just smoke and mirrors. They tend to gloss over the falling and breaking bones part of the equation which any Hoverboard will allow you to achieve.  And the Chinese really do not care what happens to a foreign, imperialist round-eye as long as there is a profit to be had. Their product producing economy is spiraling slowly into the sewer, and they are not concerned who or what is damaged as long as we continue to buy their substandard crap. And we do just to save a couple of bucks. If you’re going to commit some sort of ritual suicide, then at least buy the Cadillac version of the model.

But maybe it’s an elaborate conspiracy by the Chinese to take over our country. Maybe they can’t do it any other way so they flood our market with substandard Hoverboards so we’ll all be crippled and living in burned out hovels. Yeah, that it! Then they just sail across the Pacific in a million metal junks and use really well-made Hoverboards to dance their way like new year’s dragons into Washington. Those devious bastards. (That will give the conspiracist’s something to ponder!) Nope…to dangerous for them. A good invasion plan would have to not depend on Hoverboards to be effective. Chinese self-inflicted casualties would be too high to ensure success.

So apparently it’s not part of a treacherous Chinese invasion plan. And if non-Chinese manufacturers are still trying to sell these things to us; then they feel they have a consumer base therefore it must be defective purchasers that are the culprits. Purposely buying a product that can hurt you, your family and possibly burn down your house is a pathetic new addition to Darwin’s theory. I can’t wait to see what they come up with for next Christmas. I just hope it’s not nuclear.

At this point, I bet you can’t get your money back either.

Touché.

 

Why Driverless Cars?

I get as excited about technology as the next person. I can readily remember when my office got it’s first copier. I can remember our first fax (facsimile) machine. My first microwave oven. The first computers. The first cell phones. I can remember our first black and white TV, to our first color TV to our first HD flat screen, smart TV. I remember the little 45 records, the LP’s, the 8-track tape, the audio cassette tapes, to the Compact Disc. This was all Buck Rogers type stuff happening before our very eyes. And all has happened in the last 30 years or so, as technology continues to march on making our lives easier to endure. Or does it? The question being, if I survived a normal life before without these luxuries, could I do it again. These are all convenience items. But yes, I could probably go blissfully through life with out any of them.

But an automobile is an essential item in our modern world here in the United States. We have to cover such vast distances, and in a short period of time, and with a carrying capacity of some sort; that we have become totally dependent upon reliable transportation. If you live in a major city with mass transportation available, then you can most likely do without a personal car. But most of us live in smaller, sometimes rural areas, where reliable transportation is essential. The auto industry knows that, and is constantly trying to figure out the next best innovation to make us want to buy THEIR product. And the next big quantum leap will be the driverless car.

See, getting one’s driver’s license is a major stepping stone in the life of a fledgling adult. Then one getting one’s first personal automobile is the first step towards being truly independent from one’s parents as we jump out of  the nest and plummet into the world. We can remember the first time of feeling the power and freedom, as we took control of the wheel, turned the ignition, felt the power of the engine  and pushed the accelerator hurtling down the road free as a bird. WE were in control of a 2000 pound piece of machinery passing other people in control of THEIR 2000 pound piece of machinery, as the world whizzed by in greased grooves. And as we grow older and reach mid-life, part of the crisis we all seek is to return to the powerful or sexy cars we could never have raising families, and doing the right and proper thing.

But now they want to take that away from us. And this new vehicle will be driven by…Nobody.

I am reminded of a story I remember reading about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.  There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.  Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.  Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job.  Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.  It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.

I sincerely hope that the technology is advanced enough in these driverless cars to allow Anybody to take over the wheel from Nobody to avoid running over Somebody, because Somebody is definitely going to sue Everybody over it.

I will not be getting one.

Touché.

 

The Wonderful Bath

Time to get out of bed.

Still sleepy.

Floor is cold.

Back hurts.

Takes me 5 minutes as I wander into the bathroom to get totally upright. Man, what did I do yesterday that caused this?

Let’s see here, shower or bath. I have both in my bathroom. Why? Did the builders have some left over parts? Did the former owners have some need to bathe and shower together at the same time? Question for the philosophers I guess.

I like to take a bath. Ancient Romans took baths and they did pretty well. Only Neanderthals take showers. Why not go out side the house and spray water on the roof to fall down on you. Like standing in the rain. Standing. That’s the key word here. Bath wins.

Turn on the taps and get the temperature just right. Goldilocks principle…not too cold, not too hot. Perfect. Quick look in the mirror. Yep, showing some years. There’s six-pack abs under there somewhere. Muffin-top still there. Good, hate to lose that. Butt gone. Not a Khardasian. No Calvin Klein modeling contract in my future today. Another worry surpassed.

Tub is filling. Better get in to be sure temperature is proper. Hate to have to let out some water to get it right. Feeling guilty about wasting water. Planet is about 80% water and it’s not wandering back in to space so guilt fades quickly away based on logic. Glad that issue is resolved too. I’m on a roll today.

Put in right foot because left  is weaker and don’t want an emergency room visit later. Good temperature. In goes left foot, then immediate sitting immersion. Little cooler than I like so adjust taps for more hot water. Excellent! Little anxiety that I may have used all the hot water in case wife wants to take a bath in other bathroom. Passes quickly. All’s fair in love and cleanliness. First task of day completed without incident. I am empowered now. If nothing else good happens today, I am accomplishing this feat.

OK. Tub is filling almost to the point of reaching that overflow thingee. Must get it right to the edge of that or the bath will be cheated. Can’t have that.  I guess a shower savage would be through by now.

Tub full. All faucets in the off position. It’s quiet. I can hear and feel the whole house. Wow. The bath is the only place that a person can feel totally alone. Its’ MY bath. This 2 footish by 5 footish gathering of 10 gallons of water is MINE. No one else can have it. No one will barge in on my little solitude. Go away, naysayers and harbingers of doom.

Crap! Where’s that evil cell phone? Faded memory recalls it is on mute, next to my bed. Whew! Close one.

Now to bathing business. Still have 10 toes. Legs look good. Chest acceptable. Could do some manscaping. Shave my chest like those model guys. Nope. Too ambitious today. Anyway, would just look more like Jabba the Hutt. Could do the lower half. Absolutely not. Too much razor dexterity needed for this stage of the day. Nobody going to see it anyway. Shaving face will have to do. I don’t need a mirror to shave my face logic. Have done it almost everyday for decades. I got this. Soap up and off we go

OK. Finished now. Minimal cuts. Looks sorta like pimento loaf. Ladies like scars anyway. Now for the grand finale of lathering. The full body suds. Do feet first. Done. Bad idea. Have to stand now and feet are still soap slimy. Gonna be like standing on lard. Back still hurts but getting better. We’ll give it a go anyway.

Whew! Glad that was done without incident. I know there’s a percentage of people who fall in the bath. Hospitals keeps statistics on everything. The more humiliating the injury, the more collecting they do. I am sure there’s a government agency that keeps track of that. Glad not one of them today. Another accomplishment. Roll continues.

Hair washing time. My least favorite bath-time activity. This would be more convenient in the shower. Must concede that. Still not enough to be a shower troglodyte. OK. Best way to do this. Can’t lean forward and immerse hair. Don’t want to get face wet again, and too fat. Gotta do it by laying down in tub. Getting up again is always a trial. Back feeling better now, so let’s give it a try. OK. Laying on back in water now. Not too bad. Feels pretty good. Hey, looks like the Loch Ness Monster. One big hump and his neck. Thought his neck was always exaggerated anyway. OK. Back up again with wet hair. That was a struggle. Need to do some sit-ups later. Nope. Will be doing two today already. Don’t want to appear to be a gym rat. Lather up the hair with really cool, highly advertised, over-priced shampoo. Batman look. Mohawk look. Crazy squished-up-hair-in-the-middle look. OK. Through playing. Back down again to wash out the soap. Always that one drop that jumps out of the water and into my eye. Groping for the wash cloth. Damn. Shampoo hurts. Make the same sounds I make when I hit my shin. Same note to self every bath: Get baby shampoo.

Now. Bath over. Relax and bask in accomplishment time. If I was in shower, this would be creepy. Fully awake now. Time to play with razor in water. Titanic (razor) hits iceberg (leftover lather). Down she goes. Uh oh, lost razor. Better be careful or might do unwanted lower half manscaping. OK. Washcloth balloon time. Make air bubble under wet washcloth and squeeze of the bubbles. Makes funny farting sound. Chuckle and be thankful wasn’t real thing. OK. Hands together squishy water squirty thing done a couple of times. Out of playthings now. Note to self again: get some cool bathtub toys. Time to get out. Feet still soap slimy so need to be careful. Towel, of course, is way out of reach. Oh well, floor needed mopping some anyway. Upright, dripping wet and toweling off.

Made it safely. First accomplishment of the day completed. I am  naked, clean and emancipated. If I can survive my bath, I can survive anything. All downhill from here.

Touch’e.