Based on popular demand, I have created another round of D2S2! You know as I read news articles looking for satirical subject’s to write about, I continually run across new candidates for a Darwin Award. As a specie, we are still evolving into dangerous clowns. People today seem to have some innate need to show just how ridiculous they can behave, usually in front of a video or still-shot camera of some sort . In my quest for knowledge, I am continually reminded we are just a relatively short couple of millennia from living in caves and evolution has not caught up. Therefore, to appear brilliant and win the Fields Medal, I continue to hype my mathematical formula to help the poor cretins who are bent on, or have achieved, personal destruction and ridicule: P(A)~D2S2
P=probability of event A;
A=injury, destruction or arrest
D2D2=Don’t Do Stupid Shit
(To the bastards on the Fields Medal Committee who still have not contacted me-this actually supposed to be D squared S squared but I still can’t make the tiny 2’s on my keyboard)
Allow me to give some of the newest illustrations that I have found in my latest perusals: (Note: these are actual headlines from the Daily News)
(1) Never cross a female orangutan: Angry ape murdered older female after she disturbed her having sex
It has never crossed my mind to get between any mating orangutan’s getting their freak on, in any way, shape or form. Not on my bucket list. Actually, the opportunity has never presented itself, and if it did, you can be sure that’s I would give it the recommended biological distance it requires. I am pretty sure I’d give elephants, rhinocerous and most all of the animal kindom their privacy as well when they get “busy” to avoid an embarassing story for the office water cooler, or a hilarious obituary. No matter what the species, when they’re in the throes of passion, just walk on by and go ot the turtle exibit where at least things will happen at a pace where you can take a nap before you swiftly crawl away from without injury. Banana flailing D2S2!
(2) Shocking moment the body of an elderly man ‘who died while having sex with a prostitute is wheeled away with the unfortunate woman still ATTACHED to him’
If you gotta go, THIS is the way to go! All he needed is a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other, and he would have met the male trifecta of preferred death. You can be sure the prostitute will have a whopper (pun intended) of a tail (spelling intended) to tell her grandkids one day. “Granny got her 15 minutes of fame, let me tail you the bedtime story.” Hopefully, they got her loose, or he will be taking it with him. I am sure it’ll take the morticians a week to get the final smile off his face anyway. Vaginal clamp-down D2S2!
(3) Playboy debuts first nude-free issue: Instagram-famous model Sarah McDaniel poses for a sext on the cover of the redesigned magazine
Why? Let’s be brutally honest here and declare openly that men only buy Playboy magazine for the nudie pictures, not for it’s history of non-Pulitzer Prize winning articles, or really cool advertizements. I might as well buy a Better Homes and Gardens Magazine now and drool over the latest pot to plant my cucumber in. And you might as well change the name from Playboy to Tediousboy. New Chief Editor resigning soon D2S2!
(4) Italian wife faces six years in jail for ‘mistreatment of her family’ because she doesn’t do enough housework
My wife would get the electric chair then. Lawrence of Arabia would get lost in all the dust in our living room. The dishwasher is a spider condo with a lace doily covering. I hope she doesn’t read this or I’ll be moving to Italy looking for a new wife and doghouse to live in. Anyway, you have to love the Italians when it comes to bringing drama to a mariage. She probably didn’t do it like momma did. Moglie pigro D2S2!
(5) The FIRST 50 Shades: Rare 17th-century sex manual which was dubbed the ‘dirtiest book of its time’ for advising on ‘actions of the genitals’ goes up for auction for $20,000
Hey big spender, for a measly $200 I write you something that’ll curl your toes and make your truckdriver buddies blush about actions of the genitals. Why would somebody want to spend $20,000 on an ancient porn book when the internet has all you want for free. It’s all I can do to keep porn sites from popping up all the time now. “Oh, it’s for my book collection” excuse again huh? If you have that kind of money to burn, then take a vacation in this century to Tiajuana and do it right. Archeological academia BS D2S2!
(6) Snowmobiler, 23, is killed after being completely buried in Colorado avalanche
If you don’t want to get buried under tons of snow, don’t take a noisy, snowpack busting snowmobile up a mountain. Who insures these guys? Popsicle D2S2!
(7) ‘Mystic monk’ Padre Pio to return to the Vatican nearly 50 years after his death after the Pope calls for one of the most famous Catholic saints to be displayed at St Peter’s Basilica
Looks like the priests at the Vatican are going to have their own Weekend at Bernies. And we thought they weren’t wierd enough as it is. Why not just leave the old boy alone where he was? He surely wasn’t bothering anybody. Why drag him to the Vatican where there’s already enough dead Saints, to make another completely useless New Orleans football squad. More the merrier I guess. You can never have too many Mystic Monk icons lying around for the pious to gaze upon. Rasputin rising D2S2!
(8) Brazil’s famous street carnivals which begin next week could be an ‘explosive cocktail spreads the Zika virus around the globe’ warns disease expert
Then cancel it Brazil! Better yet, let’s not start a possible world pandemic for the sake of traveling to Rio, spending a fortune, nursing hangovers and contracting lovely South American diseases by going to it in the first place. If you MUST go to carnival, then have the courtesy of going into quarrentine until you’re declared Zika free, you party putz. Drunken courtesy D2S2!
(9) Could taking antibiotics increase your risk of STDs? Drugs ‘block the immune system’s ability to fight the herpes virus’
There’s a surefire method of not getting a Sexually Transmitted Disease…don’t do the nasty with someone who’s nasty. If you have to, then at least put the pecker in plastic. If I have a serious infection, I will definitely be taking antibiotics and staying alive as opposed to running the chance of being immunized against dying free of herpes. I’ll just take my chances on that one Skippy. Medical common sense D2S2!
(10) ‘If aliens visit Earth, they’ll take charge’: Seti scientist claims ET will have the upper hand thanks to its superior technologies
Well, this doesn’t take a PhD. in astrophysics to figure out. If an alien civilization flys light years across the universe to come here, they will not be coming for a picnic and to find girlfriends. Then again, they may be coming with How to Serve Man cookbooks and interplanetary BBQ pits, and gifts for the girls. How about we fret over this scenario when it happens. We can’t even find microbial life in our solar system yet. Until then I think we’re cool about it SETI. Need more funding article D2S2!
(11) Tesla owner walks his date back to his $80,000 electric car to find someone has defecated on the hood – now he is using DNA to hunt for the vandal
You have to admire this douchebag’s dedication to finding out who crapped on his overpriced piece of crap. To get the DNA, he had to scoop up and save the sample. Then he’ll have pay a shitload (pun intended) of money to have it analyzed. And against what poop collecting database? How pissed off can you get about something? Maybe that was the intent all along Tesla owner. To hide in the shadows and see you up on your hood gathering the sample. In retrospect, that would be hialrious you pompous idiot. Stinky fingers D2S2!
(12) Three more cases of Zika confirmed in Florida as governor warns people to prepare for a viral ‘hurricane’ – but insists the state is still safe for tourists
Another example of an elected official trying to piss down our backs and telling us it’s raining. Florida Govenor Rick Scott has never come across as being a clever guy but now he wants us to crawl into the moron truck with him. If the Zika Virus makes any kind of appearance in Florida, Disney World will look like Cheronobyl; and listening to a lying politician, saying it will be alright to visit, is as stupid as the voters who put him in office. Time to impeach D2S2!
(13) New Zealand politician is hit in the face with a large sex toy hurled by protester during press conference
Nothing like a plastic penis flying through the air at his face to get a politicians attention. You think there was some kind of sublinimal message here, or was it just the only thing handy for throwing? People in New Zealand have a bizarre sense of humor but you have to admire their candor. Comparitively, it would take a truck to haul all the dildos to throw at our American politicians to get the same point across. Happy Hillary D2S2!
(14) ‘Goat rapist’ on the prowl in Florida according to woman who says three of her animals have been attacked for months
How would you like to explain this charge to the other inmates in whatever prison you would end up in. Somebody is going to be a daily penile pin cusion. And how does this woman know her goats have been raped? What kind of inspection do you perform for this? Do they have some kind of expression they exibit? Maybe they told her. Delirious D2S2!
(15) Italian actor who accidentally hanged himself on stage after last-minute plot change is declared brain dead
What play were they doing? I’m glad it wasn’t Hamlet or the whole cast would have been wiped out. It’s no great secret that actors aren’t the brightest light bulbs in the drawer but to hang yourself on stage is taking your craft a little too far, and method acting moves to a whole new level. I think someone was braindead before he took to the stage. To be or not to be D2S2!
(16) Ashley Madison’s new solution to security worries: Covering profile photos with masks
You think wearing a virtual mask is going to disguise you? If you don’t want to get caught diddlying around on your spouse, don’t go to a website for adulteres. Especially one that has been hacked recently, and the names of all the clients plastered all over the internet. What’s totally assinine is Ashley Madison is still in business and future domestic violence victims continue to subscribe to it. Zorro divorce in a bodycast iminent D2S2!
(17) I’m McStuck! Drive-thru diner gets his head trapped between a wall and his car when he dropped his money and the vehicle lurched forward
No! You’re McStupid. You’re looking at McDumbass in the rearview mirror. At least I hope you enjoyed your McWhatever as you gobble down the McAspirins to alleviate your McConcussion. And this guy has a valid drivers license, which I’m sure he got at McDonalds from Ronald. Supersize D2S2!
(18) Utah zoo orangutan picks Panthers as Super Bowl winner after taking reign from his father… who picked seven champions in a row before passing away
If I am going to bet money on a game, I definitely am not going to let a monkey handicap it for me. We have Vegas for that. Let’s see, the Panthers are the most powerful team this year in football losing only one game all year, and the Bronco’s got in by the skin of their teeth on a hope and a prayer. I am sure an ape could pick the Panthers for the win. He’s got a 50% chance of being right already. Statistical anomaly D2S2!
You know, you just can’t make this D2S2 up!