Category Archives: Entertainment

If Stoned Monkeys Could Fly…

If stoned monkey’s could fly then:

  1. Kanye West would be able to seriously design good fashions that doesn’t look like his scrawny, somber, pathetic models just left the camp at Auschwitz. (in reality, those raggedy fashions were infinitely better)
  2. That British idiot Piers Morgan could write an article where he doesn’t sound like a whiny little bitch any more. (who uses proper English)
  3. Kim Kardashian would stop posting constant selfies that doesn’t show one of her exposed body parts that someone on this planet hasn’t seen already. (Repeatedly)
  4. The Republican Party would put forth a Presidential candidate in 2016 who doesn’t come across as cheap and sleazy.
  5. The Democratic Party would put forth a Presidential candidate in 2016 who doesn’t come across as cheap, sleazy…and desperate.
  6. Any Third Party would put forth any decent candidate in 2016 that I could actually vote for. (Sigh…if only Ross Perot were still with us)
  7. Lawyers would have to return your money if they lose your case (like that will ever realistically happen).
  8. All the countries in the would finally band together in a coalition of humanity for a couple of weeks and finally crush ISIS in one all out assault…and let the people they have terrorized dish out their punishments. (There would be burka’s-a-flyin)
  9. The Kennedy family would have to get out of U.S. politics forever…and move to Canada (the extreme Northern parts).
  10. Professional athletes would have to be positive role models or forfeit their salaries and be banned from their leagues permanently. (That’ll stop some foolishness)
  11. Hillary and Bill Clinton would be charged and tried for all their crimes just like every other criminal in this country who breaks the law…and then be banished to Canada with the Kennedys.
  12. Science and Religion would leave each other alone and let everybody do their own research, and make their own decision without being berated with unsolicited positions as to who has the proper point of view. (Each of us has the proper point of view already without their input)
  13. And on that line of thought: Mega-Churches have to pay taxes like any other multi-conglomerate corporation and not use the constitutional division of church and state as a tax dodge (that’s not what the Founding Father’s had in mind when they used that rhetoric for the small community churches that existed at that time)
  14. And on that line of thought: Every person, every business, every corporation, every church, every entity that makes money in or through this country would be taxed at a simple 10% rate with no tax loop-holes whatsoever. (And if they are caught hiding their money in foreign banks or tax dodging or moving factories to foreign countries, they forfeit their citizenship as well as their money)
  15. Pregnant celebrities can’t post selfies of themselves in bikini’s (I mean, really…stop it!)

Yep…If only stoned monkeys could fly.

O.J. Simpson…Not Again !?!

It was over 20 years ago that we, the citizens of the United States, had to endure the most farcical travesty of judicial injustice in the history of the American legal system…The People of the State of California vs. Orenthal James Simpson. For those of us who were alive at the time of this trial, we now have the opportunity to relive it again except we have all the added interpretation, extrapolation, distorted spin and absurd fiction that drug-addled Hollywood screenwriters can concoct for the dubious “dramatic effect”. The FX Network has rehashed the event in a television series called American Crime Story: The People vs. O. J. Simpson. You would think they might try to get the name of the court case correct at least in the title. But this will just give you an indication of the mythical storyline this show will assuredly follow to keep viewers on the edge of their seats and to bolster the much relished weekly rating’s number.

Even back then, the whole affair was a cartoonish charade masquerading as a legal proceeding. Of course, the national news giants had to turn it into a media feeding frenzy trying to out do each other for the latest scoop and most tawdry tidbit of irrelevant information like putrid vultures circling an imminent battlefield. It was the first in a long line of following celebrity trials. Foolishly, for the first time cameras were actually allowed to roll into a courtroom to see the daily unfolding of motions, testimonies, arguments and the continual side-bar parleys. All the players strutting around trying their best to appear clever. And what a show it was!

Days turned into weeks which turned into months. And after a short while, you just got plain sick and tired of hearing about it!

Simpson had gathered what was called a Dream Team of big-name, high-dollar defense counsels consisting of the most infamous legal shysters, judicial flim-flam artists and courtroom divas that money could buy.  They were able to seat a mostly uneducated jury consisting of 9 blacks, 2 whites and 1 hispanic member, so you know Simpson had an unbalanced racial advantage at the onset. And the Dream Team hammered them constantly with complicated scientific evidence and verbal masturbation that only another lawyer could understand. The presiding Judge was weak. The Prosecution was inept. The cops might as well have been Keystone.

It became a daily water-cooler discussion topic across America, and the world, with supporters and opponents quickly dividing into two separate camps of guilt and innocence. And because he was a black man accused of killing two white people, the race issue surely raised it’s ugly head further polarizing the populace even more. Then it went to the next level of sensational. But still, it was a ludicrous trial and an even more ridiculous media driven display of how our judicial system can be easily manipulated by enterprising attorneys. It was wrong on so many levels.

In the end, there were two distinct camps: the Not Guilty advocates vs. the Guilty proponents, and tensions were very high in the verbal sparring between the two groups. All for nothing. It should have been irrelevant to everyone concerned except Simpson himself, and the families of the victims. But for years afterwards, feelings still ran deep over the trial and verdicts. It was close to becoming just a footnote of judicial history.

But now we get to relive it all over again. Hopefully, the latest FX rendition of the whole sordid affair will not make us all revisit the fiery emotions and fanatical positions of the witnesses of the original event. Or is that their intent? And hopefully, people who will now watch this fictional television show based loosely on sometime fact, will not perceive this as actual historical events. Or is that their intent as well? Surely we hate being used and manipulated like that. Surely we as a society are smarter than that. Surely.

It is not my intention to regurgitate the proceedings of the trial in this article. There is plenty of material out there for review if you have any kind of sincere interest in it. It was litigated, it is over and O.J. Simpson walked out of the courtroom literally getting away with murder…twice. It sadly reminds me of the last four words of our once stolid Pledge of Allegiance: “and justice for all”. In America at that exact point in our history, justice officially became a perception instead of a right. And it has now become doctrine instead of farce.

You know, sometimes Hollywood should not be in control and allowed to make supposedly historical entertainment without constraint. The lazy and ignorant will perceive it as fact…when it’s such a lie to us all. I am beginning to despise the entertainment industry for what it is…and for what it does.

I do note they will not revisit their own perversions and  scandals with such fervor.

Bastards.

Touché.

 

So You’re FOOLISH Enough to Want to be Rich and Famous?

For those of us who are not fabulously wealthy or world renowned, we all sometimes have little secret fantasies and longings of what it would actually be like to not have any worries about paying the bills on time or getting preferential treatment when we go out in society or having simple folks shout out our names in adulation every time we’re in public. We would reside in huge mansions, take extended holidays on mega-yachts, fly by helicopter to the grocery store and generally be pampered constantly with luxuries and opulence. Our fame would have us recognized by all, adoringly worshiped as modern legends as we step out into the world everyday to do our exceptional tasks and engagements. But are we REALLY stupid and foolish enough to want to be rich and famous? Lets explore that little avenue. Say you’re granted your wish and win the lottery of one billion dollars, and your recording of your song just hit the pinnacle of being number one for the last two years, and you just won the Oscar for being the best actor of all time. You are now officially rich and famous.

Let’s look at our being mega-wealthy first. You now buy a huge mansion in an exclusive neighborhood where you can put all your “stuff” and socialize with the other celebrities and mega-wealthy. You know, all the cool things you gathered, or were given as  presents, and collected when you were just plain old poor folk. Now, none of that will fit the décor of you’re new lifestyle. All the crayon drawings proudly done by your kids; the horribly ugly vase grandma saved her pension money to buy for you on your wedding day; the sofa you have sat on for the past ten years with your family as they grew up; your bed that you scrimped and saved for, and have spent years sleeping in and expressing love; the non-descriptive car that has never left you stranded anywhere and you meticulously washed every weekend. All that must go now, or be hidden away out of view. So you now get to buy all new stuff that will conform to your new house and lifestyle. Big house equals a lot of furniture and art shopping, and other critical decisions. But all must be tasteful and trendy. You can have anything you want at this juncture, not just what you could formerly afford. Now the list of possibilities is endless therefore the decisions suddenly become more and more demanding. And you have rooms and rooms and rooms to fill. And then, when the vendors know you’re a mega-wealthy type, the normal prices will suddenly jump sky-high because they know you can afford it. So now you can’t even enjoy shopping anymore and will have to have a staff member do it for you, to avoid getting shafted just because your rich and famous.

Now we have to hire the staff to run our new massive household. We are wealthy now so we don’t cook, clean or drive ourselves any more. That would be tacky and horrid because the neighbors and media would be scandalized. We have an image to maintain so we’re not laughed at for being rubes. Maids, cooks, chauffer’s, personal secretaries and…security guards. Yep! Now that we’re rich and famous, we have concerns for our loved ones health, safety and security. If you have lots of money, some criminal body with foul motives will surely want it. So our family must now be under 24 hour watch to avoid kidnapping, or theft, or assault, or attack. You’re rich and famous now, so some people will despise you just because you’re successful; or worse yet, somebody will become so enamored with you they harass you all the time with forlorn love and affection…the dreaded stalker. Your privacy suddenly is paramount. Your movements, your family movements, your private habits; all are subjects of interest to somebody so your house and personal staff have to be vetted and investigated properly. They have to be highly paid to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, obedient, friendly, kind, courteous and willing not to steal from you or divulge your toilet habits to the media for money. Every day, every minute, every move, every decision, every comment you make is now critical to someone’s welfare. And the whole operation is an endless, ravenous money pit.

Your fame is wonderful, but you can no longer go anywhere without being mobbed. You are always on display now and every movement or word you speak must be perfectly in accord with your image. No more public movie theater trips, no drama free meals at restaurants, no more trips to simply get a quiet coffee at Starbucks. Somebody is always thrusting an autograph book in your hands or a cell phone in your face for a Selfie. People want you to hold their child or dog, or put your arm around Granny, for a photo. They don’t realize they are the hundredth person today who has asked you for the same thing. If you are with your kids, they do not have all of your attention and they are constantly bombarded simply being with you. Their quiet trips are always ruined having to share you with the world all the time, when all they want is some time with you alone to bond and share what they’ve done for your approval.

You have strived hard to get there but now some people are jealous of all your adulation. That is the nature of humans. Also you have to be constantly aware that there is a fine line between fame and infamy. One can morph into the other very easily so you’re always walking on eggshells.  The media is constantly pressing your friends and family and staff for scoops of information about you. The more demeaning the better. The media is not interested in you personally, they are interested in using you to sell their articles or magazines. Yes, you are rich and famous, but to them you are still just a piece of meat to display and exploit so they can be rich and famous too. Photographers and journalists and writers and bloggers and critics and other leeches are tuned into every aspect of your existence now. When you step out in your yard to play a game with your kids, paparazzi is skulking out side the gates in the bushes with a camera and telescopic lenses trying to catch you in a compromising pose or embarrassing situation. Everything you wear, everything your family wears, everything you drink, smoke, eat or breathe is captured on film, and plastered on the websites and papers and magazines, with any headline they want to attach to it. If you fight back and attack them for it, they will retaliate and began a smear campaign against you, and yours. You are now their dancing bear, and you will do it to their tunes.

If you are famous but poor, the rules change a little but not much. If you are rich but not famous, the rules change a little but not much. Because both go hand in hand like a recurring benign cancer. Eventually and casually merging. You must live with it and care for it, or it will become malignant and then eat you and your loved one’s alive. If you are poor and become rich, then lose it, you will revert to the person you were before with little damage hopefully. But if you’re rich, then lose it all to become poor; it’s an adjustment most of those people can’t abide, and they dwindle into chaos. Conversely, fame is a like drug and can become highly addictive no matter who you are. You get it, and will always want more until it becomes as overbearing as any addiction. Then when you lose it, you become pitiful and pathetic striving to get it back again. Oscar Wilde was once quoted ”There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” He should have craved privacy because he was eventually imprisoned for homosexuality when it was illegal in England, and then died young and destitute.

So, the next time you see  a photo of, or listen to a recording of your most revered, rich and famous celebrity, you may want to feel some empathy for them. They are truly walking a desolate and troubled path. And I truly wish them well on it…for as long as it lasts.

But always be very careful what you wish for. You just might get it. And there is no such thing as an easy life.

Touché.

The Sad Fall of Kanye West

It has been long in coming and is way overdue, but the sad fall of Kanye West may finally be at hand.  When you thrust yourself in the public eye, there is a certain standard that you must adhere to, or that same public will assuredly bring you down like the Hindenburg…collapsing to the ground in flames. And Kanye West has met every criteria of morphing himself into an egocentric megalomaniac as has ever been seen in modern times. It seems that historically any celebrity that shows humility, charity and compassion during their rise in the limelight will go on to achieve great success. It must be something in the human condition that wants us too see the underdog win or the lonely gather a following or the loser take defeat to a later victory. But then along comes a Kanye West who gets so wrapped up in his own celebrity that he becomes distasteful, annoying and pathetic. Like he’s striving to fill a massive void in his life that reeks of emptiness and personal failure.

Kanye West made a name for himself in the Hip-hop music scene as a producer, then later as a performer. He did very well and became quite a success winning awards and making a fortune. I do not listen to that form of music personally because I do not like it’s structure and lyrical form. That is not an attack on the music itself, as I do not care for opera or classical music either, and many others. It is a personal preference that all people have relating to their own personal appetites and perceptions. Therefore, I would probably have never heard of Kanye West until his highly publicized marriage to Kim Kardashian. At that point he jumped into the deep end of the pool of notoriety with a mighty splash. For some reason, any man who seems to become involved with a Kardashian devolves himself into personal destruction. Just look at Lamar Odom, Scott Disick and Bruce Jenner (excuse me Caitlyn). I don’t know what it is but I would avoid those women like I would a starving Great White Shark.

I think Kanye West’s illustrious spiral down the rabbit hole began when he somehow convinced himself he was a true “genius” and consistently declared it to the world.  The pure definition of genius has never been clearly defined but proclaiming yourself as one, will not and does not make you one. Being announced as a genius by your peer group and lackeys does not make you one either. If that were so,  we would all be geniuses based on our mother’s view of us. Jumping on stage during a nationally televised awards show, verbally attacking the winner and saying the choice was wrong, is just petty and small. Not the sign of a smart or savvy man much less that of a genius. Saying you are running for President of the U.S. in 2020, based on nothing but your perceived popularity, is just ego run amok and not the sign of a genius. Saying you are, or comparing yourself to Jesus Christ is just insanity and belies a more serious psychological problem.

With that kind of ego stroking, you then think you can delve into other venues to continue to keep your self-deluded genius dream alive. Like trying to become a fashion designer. Yeezy has had three years of clothing lines come out and all have been dismal critical failures in the fashion world. You can sell some of the clothes for exorbitant prices trying to start a social trend, but it has no foundation and will soon go the way of hula hoops and slinkys. Fashion is a very fickle business like that unless you are truly gifted at design.

Then declaring yourself 53 million dollars in debt and asking others for money is a veritable sign of failure as a businessman. I am sure other businessmen will want to give you their money to squander away like  wind-blown leaves off the trees. Releasing a new musical album and not allowing it to be sold except through your friend’s music company is just plain stupid.  And attacking news outlets for commenting on music based on your own racial prejudices is commercial suicide.

I actually feel kind of sorry for Kanye West. A kid with talent in a specific area, becoming so enamored with himself, that he is becoming comical and wretched in all others. But there is always the possibility of redemption. Kanye West, you know what to do to make it right…just do it! Learn restraint. Get real again. Come down off the monument you erected for yourself and be mortal, like the rest of us. Twitter is your second worst enemy, after your ego. And modern comedic sages have given us your prophetic maxim: “You have the right to remain silent, just not the ability”.

Remember: The higher you climb, the harder the fall when you hit bottom.

Touché.

 

Space Tourist Anyone?

Need a quick vacation that last’s for a few minutes and cost’s between a measly $75,000 to $250,000. Well, being a short-time space tourist may be the right path for you. There are several companies that will soon be competing for your business; taking you to the edge of Earth’s atmosphere, and then hopefully bring you gently back to terra firma. But there’s always that nagging little thought of being totally dependent on under-developed technology, questionable machinery and human error looming over the entire commercial enterprise. And we all know that’s a perfect, favorable situation for a flight to the fringes of space. Personally, I’ll leave this trip to those who have nothing left to live for.

But there is always the suicidally adventurous who will jump at any opportunity to put themselves in harm’s way for the thrills, I guess. So let’s just look at what’s available for the next recognized D2S2 (Don’t Do Stupid Shit) recipients:

Virgin Galactic: This is one of the big players of the new frontier, established by billionaire Sir Richard Branson. The company will soon unveil it’s new SpaceShipTwo. Just a note: SpaceShipOne won the 10 million dollar Ansari X prize in 2004, but it later crashed in a test flight killing one of the pilots due to human error. Yep…sure did. This little beauty is designed to be flown by two pilots and carry up to six passengers on a trajectory to reach suborbit at an altitude just of 62 miles (which is the accepted boundary line between aeronautics and astronautics). It will initially piggy-back off the ground on another aircraft, then at 50,000 feet engage it’s rocket propulsion system to reach suborbit. When you get there, the cabin is supposedly roomy enough for passengers to float during a few minutes of weightlessness before beginning an unpowered glide to a runway landing. This is the $250,000 ticket holders adventure into oblivion. And I can see all kinds of working parts and scenarios that must work perfectly for this trip to work out in the passenger’s best interest, for that few minutes of weightlessness. At least, the trip has been tried a couple of times with SpaceShipOne…a good trip, a bad trip.

Blue Origin: This little wonder comes from another billionaire, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos.  His project will use a vertical-takeoff rocket topped by a re-usable capsule for a suborbital “hop”. It is designed along the same concept as Mercury 7, which took Alan Shepard into space in 1961. It also will carry six passengers aloft, but will reach suborbit then fall back to Earth using a parachute. Once again you get the perk of a few minutes of weightlessness before your flight degrades and you have one helluva plummet back toward Earth; for a supposedly gentle landing wherever the parachute and prevailing winds decides to send you. Oh, a caveat: there will be no pilot on this winner. You will be totally at the mercy of technology and re-used machinery. Blue Origin has been tried twice, both being successful but unmanned.

XCOR Aerospace (Space Expeditions): This venture doesn’t have a billionaire backing it. You will be guided to space on a concept owned by greedy stockholders and a money-grubbing CEO who’s bottom-line interest will be profit, not safety. This sweet ride will also use the same concept as Virgin Atlantic’s SpaceShipTwo, except it will take off from the ground via a runway on it’s own. No piggy-backing for this rocket-plane called the Lynx. It will convey a single pilot and a single passenger to suborbit, and has the capability to go beyond, which can get you into actual orbit. Then you will possibly be screwed and have to go around the Earth until you get back to your home runway, as long as the oxygen lasts. This ticket will be a steal at only $150,000, which was a recent rise of 50%  enacted by the Board.  It has not been tested yet, successfully or otherwise. We can call this a commercial pipedream at present.

World View: This company envisions taking passengers to lower altitudes reaching “near-space”, at around 100,000 feet, in a capsule suspended below a para-wing and a helium balloon. Now at almost 19 miles high, it would still give a wonderful view of the Earth but you get the avoidance of all the stresses of G forces endured by the other methods during a rocket flighted trip. You would simply float up to the preferred height, hang around for up to 2 hours, then the pilots start venting the helium and you float down until they jettison the balloon; then the parawing takes over and you land,  again, wherever the prevailing winds put you down. Plus it has a toilet on board so you can drink near-beer, and then can pee almost in space.  And if your prone to airsickness, you can almost vomit for your friends and strangers. Take a camera for sure!

Space X: Then there’s the last billionaire to play in space, Elon Musk. He is concentrating more on the lucrative ferrying-crap-into-space-for-NASA avenue at this point, but if there’s a spacebuck to be made, he’ll soon be pumping money and hope into it. But based on his Earthbound ventures and recent rocket fiascos, I would just as soon take one of his over-priced electric Tesla cars on a 500 mile trip through the Sahara desert. An  expedition of certain doom.

So, let’s take us the little trip down Reality Lane again. Here’s the clue: If NASA, who has the smartest and best rocket scientists on the planet…EVER; who are safety conscious to the extreme; are financially backed by the biggest economy in history; if they haven’t done it, it’s either not worth doing or it can’t be done! So why should we put our trust, health and safety in a company who’s bottom line is their quarterly profit margin, for a trip that relies on perfection? Question for future sociological anthropologists, I guess.

I’ll just stay on the ground where the undertakers won’t have to pick me up with a spatula to slide me in the crack of my coffin.

Touché.

Robots Running Amok?

I was reading a report today about the possibility of our spiraling into a dangerous future if we let our technology get away from us. The headline on a Daily Mail article read “Rogue ‘Terminator’ robots which can kill without human orders could become reality in just a few years.” Well, that’s a bit much! All of us know that our technological advances are increasing at a steady rate but the scientist’s anticipated predictions always seem to fall short of their unrealistic warnings. One day, very soon, there could be the possibility that clunky, clattering machines will replace humans doing mundane tasks but I think these scientists think too much of themselves at present, and their ability to create future Frankenstein monsters.

When I was a kid growing up in the 1960″s, the scientific portrayals of what the world would be like in 2016 is nowhere near our expectations. If it was, we would have flying cars whisking us to our pushbutton jobs everyday in our domed cities. All the diseases would have been eradicated and the Lunar Colonies would be entertaining our vacations. We would be almost finished terraforming Mars and our starships would be probing the outer planets, and beyond. Benign robots would be cleaning our houses, taking care of our children and cooking our food. Great space stations orbiting the Earth would be controlling our weather, hunger and starvation would have been eliminated, and the specter of war forgotten to history. Well, we are not even close to those forecasts. In fact, we are in as barbarous a position now as we have been in any point in antiquity, except we are slightly more technologically advanced. But they say we must not sheath our spear to give machines their lance.

Realistically, to get us to the juncture of needing to fret about killer robots terrorizing us all, technology must first reach “technological singularity”. The is the hypothetical point when computing machines with artificial intelligence, will be capable of  recursive self-improvement or progressively redesigning itself; or of autonomously building ever smarter and more powerful machines than itself to the point of a an intelligence that surpasses human control or understanding. Now, because the capabilities of such a superintelligence may be impossible for a human to comprehend, this technological singularity could lead to the point where events may become unpredictable or even unfathomable to human intelligence. In a nutshell, the machines would become smarter than us and able to replicate themselves beyond our ability to understand or control them. We’re not there yet. We may be close to the target but that reality only counts with grenades and atom bombs.

So let’s take us that little trip down Reality Lane again. Any machine is easily controllable. If you can turn it on, you can turn it off. If it runs on power, curtail the power source. If it has a battery, give the battery a short lifespan, and then don’t change it or recharge it if needed. Don’t give a machine the ability to repower itself and it’s totally dependent again. It can grow intellectually all it wants, but without power it’s a just a formerly mechanized clothes hanger. And based on the commercial manufacturers abilities at present, to get something mechanical to work at all, and keep it running correctly, is a challenge. That’s why mechanical luxuries have warranties, and some even seem to have built in “working live spans” of so many years before they begin to degrade to the point they can’t be salvaged anymore. Bought an automobile or a laptop lately? And let’s talk about programming. If you program the proper protocols into the system then the machine cannot reprogram itself  into higher levels of consciousness, much less giving itself independent thought processes. C’mon geniuses of technology. Think blue collar instead of white collar!

I know a lot of these scientist’s like to justify their lofty positions as a consultant here or a professor there with a laureate pending, but they don’t have to create an unfounded fear where none may exist. I am sure government funding and grants have something to do with it. I do not foresee rogue terminator robots thinking independently and chasing poor ignorant folks around with weapons that must be continually reloaded from an ammunition resource from somewhere. I guess the machines will start their own manufacturing infrastructure for that as well. And unless humanity starts living in a hole blindly oblivious to the world around them, I’ll bet we’ll see that threat coming. Deprive them of power and they die. Deprive them of the proper programming, and they can’t improvise. Deprive them of maintenance and they break down and rust away. Who is really, and will always be in control? The little blue collar guy with the toolbox who controls the power source.

Science guys, think with some common sense instead of textbook sense, and all will be well.

Touché.

 

 

Kanye’s Lack of Fashion Show

For the third year in a row, Kanye West has deluded himself into thinking he’s a serious fashion designer with his Yeezy 3 line. He may be a famous rapper, a song writer and entrepreneur, but he is in the water way over his head with the professional designed crowd. At  least this time his hobby has moved up a level to bad instead of being at the bottom of the talented designer list as laughable. If you do something well, stick with it…like doing songs showing poor language skills attacking other singers to canned techno-beat generated music, but please satisfy your fragile vanity in another venue, not the fashion set. Please!

Several descriptive adjectives came to mind as I saw the models wearing his designs: tedious, boring, dull, dowdy, monotonous, repetitive, frumpy, lack-luster, non-imaginative. I really tried to give him the benefit of a doubt, but the line just fails all the way around.  The color palette at least stretched a little bit but it’s still bland and flat. It’s basically his same designs from last year, and the year before, except this time he went into the deep end of the pool and added some beads and trinkets. You can put make up on a pig but it’s still a pig.

And Madison Square Garden was full of invited people and pseudo-celebrities who I am sure were feeding that ego and telling him how wonderful his designs are, and how much of a genius he is. Well, someone close to him needs to be kind and honest, and tell the emperor he’s naked and people are laughing at him behind his back. The show appeared poorly conceived, poorly presented and poorly executed. I know the other designers were thrilled by it because anything they do by comparison will look so much the better.

Apparently, the models were instructed to appear morose and sour. That was definitely not the work of genius and an all around poor judgment call. They come off wearing his designs, as appearing to be zombiefied extras on a B level sci-fi horror movie set. If they have to be on stage wearing glorified flour sacks, at least let them have some fun with it instead of coming across as dejected automatons. I’ve seen happier photo’s depicting inmates at Auschwitz. Even Naomi Campbell couldn’t pull off a victory as she loped out looking like Tina Turner in Thunderdome. I must agree with his wife about it being “sick” and “dope”, but the real meanings of the word not the slang definitions. I’m thinking more like “sickly” and “dopey”.

He apparently kicked off his new album during the show as well, something something about Pablo somebody. I hope his musical instincts does better than his fashion sense, and he can continue to get the recognition he craves that way because clothes designing is a dead end street. Don’t worry Kanye, I am just sharpening my fangs for the real designers and their upcoming lines during Fashion Week.

Maybe somebody is just not the all around  genius he thinks he is, but he is laughing behind somebody else’s back all the way to the bank.

Touché.

MORE: D2S2 (Don’t Do Stupid Sh*t)

Based on popular demand, I have created another round of D2S2! You know as I read news articles looking for satirical subject’s to write about, I continually run across new candidates for a Darwin Award. As a specie, we are still evolving into dangerous clowns. People today seem to have some innate need to show just how ridiculous they can behave, usually in front of a video or still-shot camera of some sort . In my quest for knowledge, I am continually reminded we are just a relatively short couple of millennia from living in caves and evolution has not caught up. Therefore, to appear brilliant and win the Fields Medal, I continue to hype my mathematical formula to help the poor cretins who are bent on, or have achieved, personal destruction and ridicule: P(A)~D2S2

P=probability of event A;

A=injury, destruction or arrest

~ negation

D2D2=Don’t Do Stupid Shit

(To the bastards on the Fields Medal Committee who still have not contacted me-this actually supposed to be D squared S squared but I still can’t make the tiny 2’s on my keyboard)

Allow me to give some of the newest illustrations that I have found in my latest perusals: (Note: these are actual headlines from the Daily News)

(1) Never cross a female orangutan: Angry ape murdered older female after she disturbed her having sex

It has never crossed my mind to get between any mating orangutan’s getting their freak on, in any way, shape or form. Not on my bucket list. Actually, the opportunity has never presented itself, and if it did, you can be sure that’s I would give it the recommended biological distance it requires. I am pretty sure I’d give elephants, rhinocerous and most all of the animal kindom their privacy as well when they get “busy” to avoid an embarassing story for the office water cooler, or a hilarious obituary. No matter what the species, when they’re in the throes of passion, just walk on by and go ot the turtle exibit where at least things will happen at a pace where you can take a nap before you swiftly crawl away from without injury. Banana flailing D2S2!

(2) Shocking moment the body of an elderly man ‘who died while having sex with a prostitute is wheeled away with the unfortunate woman still ATTACHED to him’

If you gotta go, THIS is the way to go! All he needed is a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other, and he would have met the male trifecta of preferred death. You can be sure the prostitute will have a whopper (pun intended) of a tail (spelling intended) to tell her grandkids one day. “Granny got her 15 minutes of fame, let me tail you the bedtime story.” Hopefully, they got her loose, or he will be taking it with him. I am sure it’ll take the morticians a week to get the final smile off his face anyway. Vaginal clamp-down D2S2!

(3) Playboy debuts first nude-free issue: Instagram-famous model Sarah McDaniel poses for a sext on the cover of the redesigned magazine

Why? Let’s be brutally honest here and declare openly that men only buy Playboy magazine for the nudie pictures, not for it’s history of non-Pulitzer Prize winning articles, or really cool advertizements. I might as well buy a Better Homes and Gardens Magazine now and drool over the latest pot to plant my cucumber in. And you might as well change the name from Playboy to Tediousboy. New Chief Editor resigning soon D2S2!

(4) Italian wife faces six years in jail for ‘mistreatment of her family’ because she doesn’t do enough housework

My wife would get the electric chair then. Lawrence of Arabia would get lost in all the dust in our living room. The dishwasher is a spider condo with a lace doily covering. I hope she doesn’t read this or I’ll be moving to Italy looking for a new wife and doghouse to live in. Anyway, you have to love the Italians when it comes to bringing drama to a mariage. She probably didn’t do it like momma did. Moglie pigro D2S2!

(5) The FIRST 50 Shades: Rare 17th-century sex manual which was dubbed the ‘dirtiest book of its time’ for advising on ‘actions of the genitals’ goes up for auction for $20,000

Hey big spender, for a measly $200 I write you something that’ll curl your toes and make your truckdriver buddies blush about actions of the genitals. Why would somebody want to spend $20,000 on an ancient porn book when the internet has all you want for free. It’s all I can do to keep porn sites from popping up all the time now. “Oh, it’s for my book collection” excuse again huh? If you have that kind of money to burn, then take a vacation in this century to Tiajuana and do it right. Archeological academia BS D2S2!

(6) Snowmobiler, 23, is killed after being completely buried in Colorado avalanche

If you don’t want to get buried under tons of snow, don’t take a noisy, snowpack busting snowmobile up a mountain. Who insures these guys? Popsicle D2S2!

(7) ‘Mystic monk’ Padre Pio to return to the Vatican nearly 50 years after his death after the Pope calls for one of the most famous Catholic saints to be displayed at St Peter’s Basilica

Looks like the priests at the Vatican are going to have their own Weekend at Bernies. And we thought they weren’t wierd enough as it is. Why not just leave the old boy alone where he was? He surely wasn’t bothering anybody. Why drag him to the Vatican where there’s already enough dead Saints, to make another completely useless New Orleans football squad. More the merrier I guess. You can never have too many Mystic Monk icons lying around for the pious to gaze upon. Rasputin rising D2S2!

(8) Brazil’s famous street carnivals which begin next week could be an ‘explosive cocktail spreads the Zika virus around the globe’ warns disease expert

Then cancel it Brazil! Better yet, let’s not start a possible world pandemic for the sake of traveling to Rio, spending a fortune, nursing hangovers and contracting lovely South American diseases by going to it in the first place. If you MUST go to carnival, then have the courtesy of going into quarrentine until you’re declared Zika free, you party putz. Drunken courtesy D2S2!

(9) Could taking antibiotics increase your risk of STDs? Drugs ‘block the immune system’s ability to fight the herpes virus’

There’s a surefire method of not getting a Sexually Transmitted Disease…don’t do the nasty with someone who’s nasty. If you have to, then at least put the pecker in plastic. If I have a serious infection, I will definitely be taking antibiotics and staying alive as opposed to running the chance of being immunized against dying free of herpes. I’ll just take my chances on that one Skippy. Medical common sense D2S2!

(10) ‘If aliens visit Earth, they’ll take charge’: Seti scientist claims ET will have the upper hand thanks to its superior technologies

Well, this doesn’t take a PhD. in astrophysics to figure out. If an alien civilization flys light years across the universe to come here, they will not be coming for a picnic and to find girlfriends. Then again, they may be coming with How to Serve Man cookbooks and interplanetary BBQ pits, and gifts for the girls. How about we fret over this scenario when it happens. We can’t even find microbial life in our solar system yet. Until then I think we’re cool about it SETI. Need more funding article D2S2!

(11) Tesla owner walks his date back to his $80,000 electric car to find someone has defecated on the hood – now he is using DNA to hunt for the vandal

You have to admire this douchebag’s dedication to finding out who crapped on his overpriced piece of crap. To get the DNA, he had to scoop up and save the sample. Then he’ll have pay a shitload (pun intended) of money to have it analyzed. And against what poop collecting database? How pissed off can you get about something? Maybe that was the intent all along Tesla owner. To hide in the shadows and see you up on your hood gathering the sample. In retrospect, that would be hialrious you pompous idiot. Stinky fingers D2S2!

(12) Three more cases of Zika confirmed in Florida as governor warns people to prepare for a viral ‘hurricane’ – but insists the state is still safe for tourists

Another example of an elected official trying to piss down our backs and telling us it’s raining. Florida Govenor Rick Scott has never come across as being a clever guy but now he wants us to crawl into the moron truck with him. If the Zika Virus makes any kind of appearance in Florida, Disney World will look like Cheronobyl; and listening to a lying politician, saying it will be alright to visit, is as stupid as the voters who put him in office. Time to impeach D2S2!

(13) New Zealand politician is hit in the face with a large sex toy hurled by protester during press conference

Nothing like a plastic penis flying through the air at his face to get a politicians attention. You think there was some kind of sublinimal message here, or was it just the only thing handy for throwing? People in New Zealand have a bizarre sense of humor but you have to admire their candor. Comparitively, it would take a truck to haul all the dildos to throw at our American politicians to get the same point across. Happy Hillary D2S2!

(14) ‘Goat rapist’ on the prowl in Florida according to woman who says three of her animals have been attacked for months

How would you like to explain this charge to the other inmates in whatever prison you would end up in. Somebody is going to be a daily penile pin cusion. And how does this woman know her goats have been raped? What kind of inspection do you perform for this? Do they have some kind of expression they exibit? Maybe they told her. Delirious D2S2!

(15) Italian actor who accidentally hanged himself on stage after last-minute plot change is declared brain dead

What play were they doing? I’m glad it wasn’t Hamlet or the whole cast would have been wiped out. It’s no great secret that actors aren’t the brightest light bulbs in the drawer but to hang yourself on stage is taking your craft a little too far, and method acting moves to a whole new level. I think someone was braindead before he took to the stage. To be or not to be D2S2!

(16) Ashley Madison’s new solution to security worries: Covering profile photos with masks

You think wearing a virtual mask is going to disguise you? If you don’t want to get caught diddlying around on your spouse, don’t go to a website for adulteres. Especially one that has been hacked recently, and the names of all the clients plastered all over the internet. What’s totally assinine is Ashley Madison is still in business and future domestic violence victims continue to subscribe to it. Zorro divorce in a bodycast iminent D2S2!

(17) I’m McStuck! Drive-thru diner gets his head trapped between a wall and his car when he dropped his money and the vehicle lurched forward

No! You’re McStupid. You’re looking at McDumbass in the rearview mirror. At least I hope you enjoyed your McWhatever as you gobble down the McAspirins to alleviate your McConcussion. And this guy has a valid drivers license, which I’m sure he got at McDonalds from Ronald. Supersize D2S2!

(18) Utah zoo orangutan picks Panthers as Super Bowl winner after taking reign from his father… who picked seven champions in a row before passing away

If I am going to bet money on a game, I definitely am not going to let a monkey handicap it for me. We have Vegas for that. Let’s see, the Panthers are the most powerful team this year in football losing only one game all year, and the Bronco’s got in by the skin of their teeth on a hope and a prayer. I am sure an ape could pick the Panthers for the win. He’s got a 50% chance of being right already. Statistical anomaly D2S2!

You know, you just can’t make this D2S2 up!

Touché D2S2.

PLEASE! No more Kardashians

Please! Be merciful! Show me no more of Kardashians! It seems like every time I watch television or go online or read a magazine, I have a Kardashians or a Jenner thrusting a headshot at me. It’s has become horrifyingly creepy. It’s bad burlesque. They are like the Addams Family of the media. Is it something I am missing? Are the tabloids and magazines on their payroll? I personally can not find a reason to find them remotely interesting. But there they are, smugly leering into their camera shots like they know some hidden something and are laughing at us; all the way to the bank.

I don’t want to sugarcoat this too much, but if I were captured by the enemy, all they would have to do is make me watch 15 minutes of Keeping Up With the Kardashians and I would give up all our military capabilities, troop movements, and my mothers maiden name with her social security number to get them to stop the torture.

Not to put too fine a point on it, if I were swimming, lost at sea, almost exhausted and come  upon the only island available in the ocean occupied by Kardashians, I would take my chances and keep swimming to find another without water, hopefully infested with mosquitos and cannibals. I am a normal person, and just couldn’t take the weirdness of being around Kardashians for too long. They might become an indirect influence on me and that’s just too much to bear.

If you have the stamina and research the lives of these people, it will read like a bad television show written by drunken, drug abusing script writers who have also skipped their antipsychotic pills. It would be laughable as a TV sitcom or drama and immediately cancelled. No one would buy into the storyline. Only low class reality TV can tolerate it. Actually, it would be a better as a cartoon. Let me summarize  a little of it for you:

This epic begins in the land of fruits and nuts, California. A mom and lawyer dad divorce after having three daughters and a son. Then mom marries a former Olympic champion with three sons and a daughter. Mom and the Olympian have then two more daughters. Kids grow up. Older daughter goes to college and gets degree in theater arts, does a reality TV show for charity and then gets to be in a reality TV show about the family, opens some clothing boutiques with mom, start clothing lines and jewelry lines with her sisters, does some bad acting, does commercials, gets sued, writes a book with her sisters, gets in a relationship a drunken, womanizing douchebag and has three children out of wedlock with him in an off and on, rollercoaster ride of a  relationship.

Middle daughter graduates high school, elopes with a record producer but marriage fails quickly, hangs around with trashy socialite, makes a sex tape with a rapper which is plastered all over the world via internet, appears in family reality TV show, does some spinoff shows, endorses lots of commercial products, poses for nudie magazine, does some bad acting and dancing on TV, gets sued, involved in more fashion ventures with sisters, wrote a book with sisters, does bad music video, gets married again to basketball player but drops him after 72 days, sues people who says it’s a publicity stunt, sues some more people, gets sued by more people, starts dating a rapper (who thinks he’s Jesus and wants to run for president in 2020) during divorce from basketball player, and has rapper’s baby.

Meanwhile, mom and Olympian stepdad have a falling out so she gets a boy toy; and he finds his inner woman, starts cross dressing and now wants to be called Caitlyn.

That’s it! I’m through! I’m mentally exhausted summarizing just this much. There are others in the story but I think you get my point. The rest of the brood are just as strange. I do have to give some credit to Rob Kardashian. He had enough, took his ball and went to play somewhere else. And he’s the only one with any kind of bonafide talent, as was shown on Dancing With the Stars. I guess the only way to get rid of them is to not buy their crap and stop watching their antics on reality shows. They have made their millions and can now slink off quietly into oblivion. But do you realistically think that’s going to happen to people who are notorious fame junkies?

History will not be kind to the culture we live in now which is dominated by these reality shows. They will surely think we’re all pathetic idiots for watching them and buying into the hype they perpetuate. And some will deserve the title.

We are definitely living in the dark ages of television.

Touché.

 

 

D2S2: Don’t Do Stupid Sh*t

As I read news articles looking for satirical subject’s to write about, I continually run across new candidates for a Darwin Award. As a specie, we are evolving into dangerous clowns. People today seem to have some innate need to show just how ridiculous they can behave, usually in front of a video or still-shot camera of some sort . In my continued quest for knowledge, I am continually reminded we are just a relatively short couple of millennia from living in caves and evolution has not caught up. Therefore,  to appear brilliant and win the Fields Medal, I have devised a mathematical formula to help the poor cretins who are bent on, or have achieved, personal destruction and ridicule:         P(A)~D2S2

 P=probability of event A;

A=injury, destruction or arrest

~ negation

D2D2=Don’t Do Stupid Shit

 (Fields Medal Committee-this actually supposed to be D squared S squared but I can’t make the tiny 2 on my keyboard)

Allow me to give some illustrations that I have found in my perusal: (Note: these are actual headlines from today’s Daily News)

(1) Bizarre trend of SNOW DIVING in just a swimsuit sweeps nation after storm Jonas leaves parts of the East Coast with forty inches of white fluff

Some New Yorkers are just not satisfied without pneumonia. And I really don’t believe this is a nation sweeping trend that started when Jonas hit. Those of us who live in warmer areas not affected by Jonas (the other 42 states) without swimming pools full of snow apparently can’t participate and be trendy. D2S2!

(2)  Worst walk of shame EVER? Woman spotted sneaking home in West Virginia snowstorm with no pants or shoes on

How bad was the sex, that you have to run out without your pants and shoes? Another candidate for a bronchial illness. Maybe there is another explanation but I cannot even get close to figuring it out. D2S2 again!

(3) Russian gangster is arrested after ‘drunkenly’ speeding through New York’s deserted streets during travel ban

If I were a Russian gangster in New York, I definitely would not be drunk driving on snow-bound streets when the police have specifically told anyone not to drive. Why not just put an illuminated pizza delivery driver type sign on the roof that says “drunk driver inside” or “Gulag ready”. D2S2 comrade!

(4) New York couple get married the next morning in picturesque snow after Storm Jonas forced venue to close just hours before they were due to tie the knot

Getting married…enough said. Happy D2S2 couple!

(5) Seven people injured on American Airlines flight after it hits severe turbulence on way from Miami to Milan causing it to divert to Canada

Flying. I am more convinced every day that only bird shit and idiots fall out of the sky, especially if I end up in Canada. Coffee, tea or D2S2 espèce d’idiot !

(6) ‘It was motivated by love’: Professor’s begging letter to judge who jailed her for sexual relationship with a diaper clad man with cerebral palsy who could not speak

If you’re a college professor and want to get your freak on, don’t do it with a diaper wearing, disabled mute person. You’re not going to justify it and you’re just begging to get trashed. Somebody needs a vibrator. Wasted dissertation D2S2!

(7) New York Giants star Jason Pierre-Paul tries to elevate his mangled hand to stop massive bleeding in hospital photo after July fireworks accident

Fireworks are explosives and, if memory serves, says specifically in the instructions “DO NOT HOLD IN HAND”. Well, that’s a career killer for a professional athlete that uses a ball. Maybe somebody should start wearing their helmet more when they play. Hut! Hut! D2S2! D2S2! Hike!

(8) Reveler, 25, shot dead “as he tried to break up fight” during birthday party in the lobby of a Hyatt Hotel in Chicago

Hyatt clientele has sure degenerated since Paris, Nicky and Conrad were born. Still, if you’re a birthday reveler then drinking is probably involved ergo never get between two pissed off people with guns from the other well known city of brotherly love, Chicago. Deep dish D2S2!

(9) Karma kicks back: Bully gets knocked out cold after picking on smaller boy over his bright orange backpack

Sometimes you just have to adore karma when it involved a glass jawed bully who get’s his butt handed to him by a smaller guy. I bet somebody is going to respect somebody else’s orange backpack from now on. Or pink backpack.  Or Barbie backpack. D2S2 justice!

(10) 14 Citadel military college cadets disciplined after posing in KKK-style hoods

You know, one of them had to think of it. Then had to talk the other thirteen into doing it. And somebody had to mention photographing it. Then somebody had to post it.  Answers a lot of questions about our military leader of tomorrow. I know fourteen who are headed for a Flag rank. Expelled D2S2!

(11) Police find two-year-old boy stuck in the toilet crying after his parents ‘left him alone for hours to shop in Wal-Mart’

Is there really something that vital at an Ohio Wal-Mart, that you have to leave your two year old alone, and for hours? How much Chinese crap can you shop for? And how does a two year old get into the toilet? Somebody needs a crib, and therapy. Take your thorazine D2S2!

(12) Prize bull semen worth over $50,000 is stolen after tanks containing the samples are snatched from the back of a truck in California

There were tanks of it? How much does it take in California? How would you like to go to prison, and explain to the other inmates you’re in for for stealing bull semen? Somebody is going to have a lot of bad days. Pray for solitary confinement D2S2!

(13) Keep your eyes on the road! Rickshaw driver mows down and kills pedestrian while ogling ‘a pretty woman in a miniskirt’

China is ground zero for stupid shit. America does not seems to have a monopoly by no means. And Russia is emerging as a player. Says a lot about superpowers. My question is, what kind of a rickshaw was this? Armored? And how fast can a human powered vehicle go? And the operator was drunk as well. The woman he was ogling must have had” some kind” of mini skirt on to make a drunken Chinese  armored flying rickshaw driver loose control. Zuì Hàn D2S2!

(14) Shocking moment driver plows into a busy pedestrian street in a desperate bid to dodge fine after being caught parking illegally

China again. Their parking fines must be brutal to wipe out an entire intersection full of pedestrians. That’s a lot of rice. Laogai D2S2!

(15) I don’t care of you’re a Klingon, you’re not taking that through! Passenger stopped from boarding plane with SWORD used by Worf in Star Trek

I can’t even get through the TSA Nazis with a bottle of mouthwash, and this mental giant thought he could sneak past a Klingon Bat’Leth. Why just bring a sword when you can bring one on steroids. It  had to have been a Trekkie geek on his way to Comicon. Next time stick to sneaking the Clearasil through. Quapla’ D2S2!

You know, you just can’t make this D2S2 up!

Touché D2S2.