As I read news articles looking for satirical subject’s to write about, I continually run across new candidates for a Darwin Award. As a specie, we are evolving into dangerous clowns. People today seem to have some innate need to show just how ridiculous they can behave, usually in front of a video or still-shot camera of some sort . In my continued quest for knowledge, I am continually reminded we are just a relatively short couple of millennia from living in caves and evolution has not caught up. Therefore, to appear brilliant and win the Fields Medal, I have devised a mathematical formula to help the poor cretins who are bent on, or have achieved, personal destruction and ridicule: P(A)~D2S2
P=probability of event A;
A=injury, destruction or arrest
D2D2=Don’t Do Stupid Shit
(Fields Medal Committee-this actually supposed to be D squared S squared but I can’t make the tiny 2 on my keyboard)
Allow me to give some illustrations that I have found in my perusal: (Note: these are actual headlines from today’s Daily News)
(1) Bizarre trend of SNOW DIVING in just a swimsuit sweeps nation after storm Jonas leaves parts of the East Coast with forty inches of white fluff
Some New Yorkers are just not satisfied without pneumonia. And I really don’t believe this is a nation sweeping trend that started when Jonas hit. Those of us who live in warmer areas not affected by Jonas (the other 42 states) without swimming pools full of snow apparently can’t participate and be trendy. D2S2!
(2) Worst walk of shame EVER? Woman spotted sneaking home in West Virginia snowstorm with no pants or shoes on
How bad was the sex, that you have to run out without your pants and shoes? Another candidate for a bronchial illness. Maybe there is another explanation but I cannot even get close to figuring it out. D2S2 again!
(3) Russian gangster is arrested after ‘drunkenly’ speeding through New York’s deserted streets during travel ban
If I were a Russian gangster in New York, I definitely would not be drunk driving on snow-bound streets when the police have specifically told anyone not to drive. Why not just put an illuminated pizza delivery driver type sign on the roof that says “drunk driver inside” or “Gulag ready”. D2S2 comrade!
(4) New York couple get married the next morning in picturesque snow after Storm Jonas forced venue to close just hours before they were due to tie the knot
Getting married…enough said. Happy D2S2 couple!
(5) Seven people injured on American Airlines flight after it hits severe turbulence on way from Miami to Milan causing it to divert to Canada
Flying. I am more convinced every day that only bird shit and idiots fall out of the sky, especially if I end up in Canada. Coffee, tea or D2S2
espèce d’idiot !
(6) ‘It was motivated by love’: Professor’s begging letter to judge who jailed her for sexual relationship with a diaper clad man with cerebral palsy who could not speak
If you’re a college professor and want to get your freak on, don’t do it with a diaper wearing, disabled mute person. You’re not going to justify it and you’re just begging to get trashed. Somebody needs a vibrator. Wasted dissertation D2S2!
(7) New York Giants star Jason Pierre-Paul tries to elevate his mangled hand to stop massive bleeding in hospital photo after July fireworks accident
Fireworks are explosives and, if memory serves, says specifically in the instructions “DO NOT HOLD IN HAND”. Well, that’s a career killer for a professional athlete that uses a ball. Maybe somebody should start wearing their helmet more when they play. Hut! Hut! D2S2! D2S2! Hike!
(8) Reveler, 25, shot dead “as he tried to break up fight” during birthday party in the lobby of a Hyatt Hotel in Chicago
Hyatt clientele has sure degenerated since Paris, Nicky and Conrad were born. Still, if you’re a birthday reveler then drinking is probably involved ergo never get between two pissed off people with guns from the other well known city of brotherly love, Chicago. Deep dish D2S2!
(9) Karma kicks back: Bully gets knocked out cold after picking on smaller boy over his bright orange backpack
Sometimes you just have to adore karma when it involved a glass jawed bully who get’s his butt handed to him by a smaller guy. I bet somebody is going to respect somebody else’s orange backpack from now on. Or pink backpack. Or Barbie backpack. D2S2 justice!
(10) 14 Citadel military college cadets disciplined after posing in KKK-style hoods
You know, one of them had to think of it. Then had to talk the other thirteen into doing it. And somebody had to mention photographing it. Then somebody had to post it. Answers a lot of questions about our military leader of tomorrow. I know fourteen who are headed for a Flag rank. Expelled D2S2!
(11) Police find two-year-old boy stuck in the toilet crying after his parents ‘left him alone for hours to shop in Wal-Mart’
Is there really something that vital at an Ohio Wal-Mart, that you have to leave your two year old alone, and for hours? How much Chinese crap can you shop for? And how does a two year old get into the toilet? Somebody needs a crib, and therapy. Take your thorazine D2S2!
(12) Prize bull semen worth over $50,000 is stolen after tanks containing the samples are snatched from the back of a truck in California
There were tanks of it? How much does it take in California? How would you like to go to prison, and explain to the other inmates you’re in for for stealing bull semen? Somebody is going to have a lot of bad days. Pray for solitary confinement D2S2!
(13) Keep your eyes on the road! Rickshaw driver mows down and kills pedestrian while ogling ‘a pretty woman in a miniskirt’
China is ground zero for stupid shit. America does not seems to have a monopoly by no means. And Russia is emerging as a player. Says a lot about superpowers. My question is, what kind of a rickshaw was this? Armored? And how fast can a human powered vehicle go? And the operator was drunk as well. The woman he was ogling must have had” some kind” of mini skirt on to make a drunken Chinese armored flying rickshaw driver loose control. Zuì Hàn D2S2!
(14) Shocking moment driver plows into a busy pedestrian street in a desperate bid to dodge fine after being caught parking illegally
China again. Their parking fines must be brutal to wipe out an entire intersection full of pedestrians. That’s a lot of rice. Laogai D2S2!
(15) I don’t care of you’re a Klingon, you’re not taking that through! Passenger stopped from boarding plane with SWORD used by Worf in Star Trek
I can’t even get through the TSA Nazis with a bottle of mouthwash, and this mental giant thought he could sneak past a Klingon Bat’Leth. Why just bring a sword when you can bring one on steroids. It had to have been a Trekkie geek on his way to Comicon. Next time stick to sneaking the Clearasil through. Quapla’ D2S2!
You know, you just can’t make this D2S2 up!